Take Me Out To The Ball Game

I was working in a bar near a professional baseball stadium and had
seen my share of drunks and idiots, but one guy really took the crown.
On a summer afternoon this guy shuffles in sunburned and wearing a
jersey unbuttoned to his navel, obviously just coming from a
nine-inning bender, and pours himself onto a barstool. I can smell him
before I get within three feet and I also notice that he has wadded
all of his cash into a sweaty ball in his hand. He is squinting at the
beer taps, about four feet to his left, on the bar.

He grunts, turns his head and points at a tap on the back bar area
that is connected to nothing asking, “What’s that?”

I explained to him that it was simply a decorative tap handle and was
not an actual beer or beverage option.

“I’ll have that.”

I try one more time, very patiently, to explain to this guy that no
beer comes out of the decorative tap handle.

“Yeah, gimme one of those Deca Razons.” He is now emphatically

“Sorry sir. It’s just there for looks; a deco-ra-tion.”

“Yeah a Deca Razon!”

“Um sir. That tap is a …”

Now screaming, “I know what it is and that’s what I want!”

I stare at him, dumbfounded. “Sir, it’s not a Mexican beer, it’s
a… I don’t think you understand.”

Standing up he cuts me off, “I don’t think you understand! Do you
know who I am?!”

I’m thinking to myself – Yes I do. You’re the sunburned,
middle-aged guy who is too drunk to order a beer. Then he slams his
fist holding the cash ball down on the bar.

“You don’t want to serve me? You don’t want to give me a Deca
Razon? You don’t know who you’re messing with. You’re making a
big mistake!”

And with that he turned, paused to gather his balance, and stormed out
the front door.

Play ball!
– Josh


  • John

    April 26, 2010

    You obviously havnt bartended long. Anyone that comes in that drunk needs no more alchohol, and obviously is in need of a cab. I hope u loose ur job. Idiot.

  • Big Drunk

    April 26, 2010


    You are a f*cking moron. A bartender has one responsibility; to serve drinks to paying customers. Since when does a bartender, who makes $6.50 an hour have the right to tell a higher class person they can’t have a drink. F*ck you!

  • Happily Wasted

    April 26, 2010

    What are you a cab driver? Give the guy a break, he’s just telling a story about a drunk that he DIDN’T serve. I’m not sure you could ever get a job with spelling like yours, but if you do have one I hope you lose it too!

  • matt

    April 26, 2010

    It is currently law where i live that it is a crime to serve a customer who is clearly and visibly intoxicated. So to Big Drunk up there, be careful when youre telling others who to serve, it just might land them in prison

  • Big Drunk

    April 27, 2010


    I don’t give a damn if my advice lands some lowlife bartender in prison. Real simple, take my money & bring me my drink.

  • Penny

    May 3, 2010

    That’s hilarious! I’ve had tables like that where it’s so ridiculous you feel like you’re on a hidden camera show. At least he left and stopped being your problem.

  • Oliver

    May 3, 2010

    Big Drunk –

    The next time you’re drunk in a bar and demand another drink, I sincerely hope the bartender gives it to you. Maybe you’ll hit a tree on the way home and improve society by removing yourself from it.

  • Bartender

    May 3, 2010

    Good thing, as such a low class person who btw makes 2.13 an hour, I managed to pay for my degree on my own at 21 and bring home 4-500 a night…oh and I have no illegitament children. Obviously not everyone can be so intelligent as to get the humor of the situation. I’m sure this upper-class citizen would have left you a nice tip…hahhaha not.

  • Laura

    January 16, 2011

    Where I live, we have to actually take a test and get a serving liscence if serving alcohol, and the majority of that test is about how to tell when people have had too much, and about how its your responsibility to at least call them a cab, and if they choose not to use it, at least you tried, and about not serving them. The reason is because you’re liable, if they get drunk and cause property damage, injure or kill themselves or others, you can and will be sued, and found equally responsible with your bar.

  • Kristen

    January 10, 2014


Leave A Response

* Denotes Required Field