I work at a fine dining restaurant. I had only been working there about 2 weeks when I was informed that one of our “VIP” members was going to be coming in with his wife. I was told to give him a bottle of wine on the house. No problem. They sit down and are very nice. I inform them that I have a bottle of wine waiting for them and ask if they would like me to open it. Of course they say yes, who refuses free wine? I retrieve the wine and begin opening it while I am chatting with them at the table. I insert my trusty wine key, give a few twists, start working the cork out, and SNAP! I break the cork in two. Shit! Nothing screams “Hey I am new here and suck at my job” like breaking a cork off in a nice bottle of wine. I get my manager, thinking that we need a new bottle because the guy is “VIP”, but he just replies, “Just grab the strainer, I have a little tool that will get it out.” We get the strainer and he begins using a little tool that looks like an ice pick to try and get the cork out. We are both at the table, me standing there like an idiot, and my manager, battling to get this damn cork out. He accidentally pushes the cork all the way in. Great. So we pour the wine through the strainer and into a decanter and PRESTO! Problem solved. Well, until they decided that they wanted to take the rest of the wine home with them. So we have the bartender put the wine back in the bottle and seal it up. Everything was fine until I happened to glance at the bottle on my way to the table. It looked so classy with a huge piece of cork floating in it! Luckily one of my coworkers had an empty bottle of the exact same wine. We did the ol’ switcheroo and the table was none the wiser. Thank God they had a good sense of humor because I felt like a jackass!

- The Wino

The restaurant that I work at has this really obnoxious older man that comes in with his wife almost every day. She is really nice and he is completely out of control. Every time they sit down he makes his way to the bar and “discreetly” drinks wine. He gets a separate check and everything. He then wonders back to his poor wife as if nothing has happened, hootin and hollerin at everybody that passes by. One night I was blessed with the lovely gentleman (for about the 3rd time in a row). He was relatively well behaved (only one secret glass of wine) and orders his meal without a fuss. The salad course is uneventful and it is now time for the main course. As I approach the table with their plates I discover that he is on the phone, and sounding extremely polite. “Yes this message is for John. Hey John its Bill and Betty from church and I just wanted to say thank you so much and if you could please give us a call when you get a chance that would be great and god bless and BLAH BLAH BLAH!” CLICK. Yes, he actually said BLAH BLAH BLAH and hung up, right in the middle of his really nice message. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I set down his plate and ask him if he would like any cheese grated on top. “I don’t want any of that crap!” he yells. “Right. Enjoy your meal.” “Oh thanks so much bro, we really appreciate the great service. You take such good care of us man”.  The guy is ridiculous.

- B

Today I got sat with a party of four. As they were getting sat I asked them if I could get them anything to drink. “I will just have a water,” says one lady, “you know what, I am going to spend some money today. I will have a glass of white zinfandel.” The wine costs 2 dollars. Guess how she tipped?

- Jack

At our restaurant we have a wine by the glass menu that offers two pours, 8 oz or 5 oz. When a customer orders I always ask which pour they would like. The most common response, “What’s the difference?” Three ounces you idiot. I defy you to answer that question without being rude.

-Taylor