So I get sat this table of 6 women tonight and I think I’ve hit the
jackpot! They look like just the kind of women who are gonna sit there
and get drunk, order maybe $150 worth of sushi, and leave me a nice
hefty tip.

But… upon looking at them more carefully, I realize that one of them
is a hated customer of mine. I hadn’t recognized her at first because
I had never seen her in the place without her husband. Let’s just say
that this woman is very nice and polite, but she runs me like a
treadmill, like to unbelievable proportions, and her husband tips me
10% at the most. So one night when they came in I decided “fuck it”…
and I was incredibly rude to them. Rude enough that now every time
they come in they request NOT to be seated in my section.

So tonight I figure that I am screwed with these ladies if this one
woman decides to blow it for me, which I have a very strong feeling
she will. And she does. I just know it. Because when I sat these
ladies all seemed right with the world. But upon bringing out their
appetizers, their attitudes have changed. And I just KNOW that in my
absence this blonde bitch has poisoned these women to me. I get so
pissed. I run into the kitchen fuming, throwing words like “cunt,
ho-bag, bitch ass whore dog” around, sounding like a paranoid weirdo
to my coworkers who can’t seem to see the problem. And of course I
can’t exactly explain the problem either but I still TRY, sounding
like a loony all the while.

Anyway, the poison-mouthed lady pulls her same old shit, as usual.
Smiles at me all sugary sweet as she runs me back and forth and back
and forth throughout their meal.

Finally, something totally unexpected happens. I am in the back
filling soda’s, out of view of the floor but still within earshot…
and I hear this laughter coming from that table of ladies. And then I
hear these magic words ring forth from the giggles “The waitress isn’t
MEAN, Sheila! You’re just ANNOYING!!!” And they’re all cracking up,
including annoying Sheila. I can’t stop smiling, and I thank my lucky
stars that I had still given this table the respect they deserved,
despite my belief that it was lost cause (tip wise). I run into the
kitchen to try and validate my previous temper tantrum, but of course
no one understands.

Anyway, this is just a reminder to all of us to stay on the right
track… even when a lost cause is staring you in the face. They left
me a 20% tip, by the way.

- At Your Service

I was getting a six top’s drink order and a man asked if I knew what
kind of hot teas we have. He already had an attitude; clearly I was
just some dumb waitress who probably didn’t even know what kind of tea
we had at the restaurant. I listed them off for him: Lemon, orange,
mint, chamomile, black, and green. After a pause, he laughed “GREEN
tea? Do you mean MINT?” While looking around to his friends for
approval of his bullying. As though I had listed off the colors of the
packages because actually reading them was far beyond my intellect. As
I opened my mouth to explain that green tea IS an actual kind of tea
available, he realized his mistake and began back-pedaling so he
wouldn’t look like such an ass in front of his friends. I just stood
there silently as he continued to put his foot in his mouth.

Ah, it’s the little things that keep me going.

- Penny

I took a phone to go order one night. when the guy came to pick it up
he told me he would have left me a tip but I was rude on the phone. I
said “What, I took your order” he told me that when he said Thank you
I just said “Uh-huh”. Same guy calls in a few weeks later. I have him
at the register. I don’t say anything to him except your total is x
amount and your change is this. You could see he was fuming. He gets
to the door has his hand on the handle and he turns around and shouts
at me “Thank You” I look straight at him and say “uh-huh!” He turned
red in the face and stormed out. I am pretty sure I rented space in
his head for the rest of the day!!

- Bullwinkle

One night I had a guy order a pizza with a side of ranch. I bring out the pizza and his ranch and go tend to another table. I come back to check on his food and he says, “I asked for ranch, this isn’t ranch.” “Oh I am sorry sir, let me go get the right dressing for you,” even though I already knew I had given him the right dressing. “I go back by the salads and get another side of ranch and bring it to the guy. He tastes it and says, “This isn’t ranch. How hard is it to get a side of ranch!” I assure him that it is ranch and he keeps insisting that it is not. I bring him yet another side of ranch and he tastes it again. He opens his mouth to complain again and then his draw drops and he gets a sheepish ” i am an idiot” kind of look on his face. “Oh I am sorry. I meant blue cheese.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? At least he felt bad but come on, how can you mess that one up?

- Chris

One night I was blessed to have a table with some very attractive ladies. Always a plus. They were really flirty and I felt I was doing a good job (not only on the tip but maybe a number too). They enjoyed everything and at the end of the meal they decided to have some coffee. I brought the coffee cups over and began chatting with the girl on the end while pouring the coffee. I was pulling out all my best waiter material and making her laugh. Just when I thought everything was going perfect I noticed that I had been overflowing her cup all over the table while I sat there laughing like an idiot and thinking I was smooth. Needless to say I didn’t get that number.

- Smooth Operator

I work at a fine dining restaurant. I had only been working there about 2 weeks when I was informed that one of our “VIP” members was going to be coming in with his wife. I was told to give him a bottle of wine on the house. No problem. They sit down and are very nice. I inform them that I have a bottle of wine waiting for them and ask if they would like me to open it. Of course they say yes, who refuses free wine? I retrieve the wine and begin opening it while I am chatting with them at the table. I insert my trusty wine key, give a few twists, start working the cork out, and SNAP! I break the cork in two. Shit! Nothing screams “Hey I am new here and suck at my job” like breaking a cork off in a nice bottle of wine. I get my manager, thinking that we need a new bottle because the guy is “VIP”, but he just replies, “Just grab the strainer, I have a little tool that will get it out.” We get the strainer and he begins using a little tool that looks like an ice pick to try and get the cork out. We are both at the table, me standing there like an idiot, and my manager, battling to get this damn cork out. He accidentally pushes the cork all the way in. Great. So we pour the wine through the strainer and into a decanter and PRESTO! Problem solved. Well, until they decided that they wanted to take the rest of the wine home with them. So we have the bartender put the wine back in the bottle and seal it up. Everything was fine until I happened to glance at the bottle on my way to the table. It looked so classy with a huge piece of cork floating in it! Luckily one of my coworkers had an empty bottle of the exact same wine. We did the ol’ switcheroo and the table was none the wiser. Thank God they had a good sense of humor because I felt like a jackass!

- The Wino

I was doing a restaurant opening, observing the new servers in their stations, and I noticed that one girl had forgot to bring her table some ketchup. I bent down to pull a bottle out of the cabinet and another girl came up and swiftly opened a drawer into my brow bone. It hurt really bad, but I composed myself because I knew the girl felt terrible, I brushed it off and hurried to drop the ketchup off at the table. As I approached the table I noticed they were looking at me weird, but I smiled and dropped the ketchup off, asking them if they needed anything else. They all stared at me and finally the Dad said no thank you. I walked down the aisle of tables and noticed that many of them were giving me weird looks, so I walked up to another trainer and asked if I had anything on my face. He looked at me in horror and said, “Oh My GOD!!! You are bleeding everywhere”, I looked down at my shirt and it had a stream of blood all over it. I went to the back and looked in a mirror and I had blood dripping down my face and covering my shirt. Basically, I had walked up to a table bleeding everywhere, I’m sure they thoroughly enjoyed their dinners mmmmm here’s your ketchup.

-Kristen

Kids say the best stuff ever! A while back i was serving a table of
5-6 there was a 3ish yr old boy and an infant girl! When I came up to
the table the boy announced to me and pointed “That’s my baby sister”
Not knowing what to say I said “Wow, you must be really proud!” He
replied “She rides me like a Donkey” I laughed out loud and then was
apologized to by his father later that evening! HAHAHA

- Ray

So it’s my first table of the day and, as usual, I start the day in a
fun and perky mood. I went to great the table of 4 sitting in the bar
and say, “Hi ladies! Can I start you with something to drink while you
look at the menus?” And then I actually take a closer look at the
guests and one happens to be a man. So then I backtrack with, “Oh, I’m
sorry sir.” Only to have her tell me that she IS a woman and she would
like to speak to a manager about my sexist comments…FML…

- Roger

I work at an Italian restaurant. One night I was sat with an older husband and wife. The guy was pretentious, trying to act like he knew everything about everything and I was just an idiot waiter. He tells me that he would like some sparkling water. “Of course, we have San Pellegrino.” He looks at me like I am stupid and says, “I don’t want that. I want an ITALIAN sparkling water. Do you have Perrier?” Ah yes, the delicious ITALIAN Perrier. Bottled in the heart of Tuscany, just south of Paris. Idiot. I took great pleasure in correcting him.

- Waiting 101

[poll id="8"]

I work in a very small restaurant with only 2 other waiters, and one
of those waiters is my arch nemesis. I hate him with a fiery passion,
but have to deal with him. He covers the dinner shift alone every
Sunday night… but consistently calls out and/or asks me to work for
him Sundays. Because let’s face it: most Sunday nights suck for tips.

I decided to work for him one Sunday (even though I usually don’t try
to do him any favors, just to spite him). I was bored and figured I
could use a little extra cash. Even if I only made $20, it’d be worth
it.

I get there at 5 pm. I wait on 2 tables by 6 pm. One of them stiffs
me. The other, a single, leaves me $2. I leave at 6:30 fairly annoyed
at my luck and my $2 in tips, kicking myself for the bad luck I spared
my arch nemesis by taking his shift.

The next night, my usual Monday dinner shift alone, I make a whopping
$20 in tips. I leave, once again early and annoyed at my crappy tips.

When I get home my husband asks how work was. I answer: “Pretty good!
I made 10 times more than I did last night!”
-At Your Service

The other day I was sat with a young white couple. The girl was a cute blond and the guy was average looking with short spiked hair and glasses. They ordered beers so being the responsible waiter that I am, I asked to see their driver licenses. The guy hands his to me and I look down to see that in his picture he has a ridiculously big afro! He looked so funny that it was all I could do not to bust up laughing. I don’t think I even made it to his birthday to check his age. I brought them their beers and the whole rest of the night I couldn’t stop picturing the guy without a huge afro. I wish I had a picture so you could get the full effect. Alas.

- Dr. J

The other day I had a lady order my restaurant’s Pasta Fajule soup. Keep in mind, it is called PASTA Fajule. So this lady says that it sounds so good and that she can’t wait to try it. I drop off the soup and go and start another table. As I walk by this lady flags me down and says, “There is to much pasta in this soup!” All I could do was smile and say, “Well, it is called Pasta Fajule.”

- Matt

My restaurant is in the middle of a crazy rush. I must have 8 tables, one being a party of 12. Of course, people just keep pouring in through the door expecting fast service. The hostess seats with me a party of 2 right next to my big party. The big party gets ice cream included in their meal, my favorite. As I am taking the order for the ice cream, I stop by the new table and tell the man and woman that I will be with them in a second, and that the hostess will get their drinks started for them. As I am passing out all of these ice creams, running my ass off, I watch as the hostess gets their drinks (2 waters) and gives them some bread to munch on. I return to their table no more than 5 minutes since they have been seated and ask how they are doing. “Hungry.” says the woman in a sarcastic and bitchy tone. Great they are pissed. I get their order put in, (the lady only orders a salad, she must be starving) and the guy gets chicken or something. I check back with them but they haven’t touched their waters or bread and say that they don’t need anything. Keep in mind that they have a front row seat to watch me scurry around the restaurant with all my other tables. Their food is ready really quick and I drop it off and ask if there is anything else I can get for them. They do not respond and just look at me like I am an asshole so I leave. By the end of their meal they still have not touched their drinks and they do not need boxes. I drop the check and then watch as the man goes over to talk to my manager. I couldn’t believe it. He actually complained that the hostess (who got them everything they needed right away while they were waiting) was very rude to them and that I was “the most inattentive waiter he had ever seen”. Then he stiffed me. Haha! What the hell do you want me to do when you don’t drink your water or touch your fucking bread??? That was the best service you ever got in your life dick!

- Mr. Inattentive

It was my third day as a waiter. I was definitely a rookie and still learning the ropes. I am sat with a very strange party of six, very strange. A motley crew of different races and ages that I couldn’t imagine were related began to file toward the table. Five members of the party are sat and the sixth member arrived about five minutes later. What an entrance. A 6’2″ muscular “woman” wearing a red dress strolled toward the table. “Hello darling,” she said in deep and eccentric voice, “are you going to be taking care of us?” “Ah, yes, ah, ma’am, I sure am,” I stammered, lost in the plastic gaze. “Oh wonderful, wonderful!” she exclaimed through her massive botoxed lips. She completes her grand entrance by giving everybody at the table a kiss. I approach the table to get the drink order, “What can I get for you, um, miss?” I say, staring at “her” enormous adams apple. “I would love some Sambuca, make sure it has the 3 espresso beans on the side handsome.” Oh my god. After figuring out what the fuck she (he) was trying to order (thank you internet in the back) I brought back the drink and tried to escape without engaging in anymore conversation with the ma…women, but to no avail. “You know I am a performer in Europe,” he/she whispered to me in a steamy voice. “Oh really?” I say, trying to avoid any sort of eye contact. “Of course darling!” bellows the transvestite, “I could show you things you would never forget!” You already have sir, you already have.

- Blair