So it’s my first table of the day and, as usual, I start the day in a
fun and perky mood. I went to great the table of 4 sitting in the bar
and say, “Hi ladies! Can I start you with something to drink while you
look at the menus?” And then I actually take a closer look at the
guests and one happens to be a man. So then I backtrack with, “Oh, I’m
sorry sir.” Only to have her tell me that she IS a woman and she would
like to speak to a manager about my sexist comments…FML…

- Roger

I work at an Italian restaurant. One night I was sat with an older husband and wife. The guy was pretentious, trying to act like he knew everything about everything and I was just an idiot waiter. He tells me that he would like some sparkling water. “Of course, we have San Pellegrino.” He looks at me like I am stupid and says, “I don’t want that. I want an ITALIAN sparkling water. Do you have Perrier?” Ah yes, the delicious ITALIAN Perrier. Bottled in the heart of Tuscany, just south of Paris. Idiot. I took great pleasure in correcting him.

- Waiting 101

 Loading ...

I work in a very small restaurant with only 2 other waiters, and one
of those waiters is my arch nemesis. I hate him with a fiery passion,
but have to deal with him. He covers the dinner shift alone every
Sunday night… but consistently calls out and/or asks me to work for
him Sundays. Because let’s face it: most Sunday nights suck for tips.

I decided to work for him one Sunday (even though I usually don’t try
to do him any favors, just to spite him). I was bored and figured I
could use a little extra cash. Even if I only made $20, it’d be worth
it.

I get there at 5 pm. I wait on 2 tables by 6 pm. One of them stiffs
me. The other, a single, leaves me $2. I leave at 6:30 fairly annoyed
at my luck and my $2 in tips, kicking myself for the bad luck I spared
my arch nemesis by taking his shift.

The next night, my usual Monday dinner shift alone, I make a whopping
$20 in tips. I leave, once again early and annoyed at my crappy tips.

When I get home my husband asks how work was. I answer: “Pretty good!
I made 10 times more than I did last night!”
-At Your Service

The other day I was sat with a young white couple. The girl was a cute blond and the guy was average looking with short spiked hair and glasses. They ordered beers so being the responsible waiter that I am, I asked to see their driver licenses. The guy hands his to me and I look down to see that in his picture he has a ridiculously big afro! He looked so funny that it was all I could do not to bust up laughing. I don’t think I even made it to his birthday to check his age. I brought them their beers and the whole rest of the night I couldn’t stop picturing the guy without a huge afro. I wish I had a picture so you could get the full effect. Alas.

- Dr. J

The other day I had a lady order my restaurant’s Pasta Fajule soup. Keep in mind, it is called PASTA Fajule. So this lady says that it sounds so good and that she can’t wait to try it. I drop off the soup and go and start another table. As I walk by this lady flags me down and says, “There is to much pasta in this soup!” All I could do was smile and say, “Well, it is called Pasta Fajule.”

- Matt

My restaurant is in the middle of a crazy rush. I must have 8 tables, one being a party of 12. Of course, people just keep pouring in through the door expecting fast service. The hostess seats with me a party of 2 right next to my big party. The big party gets ice cream included in their meal, my favorite. As I am taking the order for the ice cream, I stop by the new table and tell the man and woman that I will be with them in a second, and that the hostess will get their drinks started for them. As I am passing out all of these ice creams, running my ass off, I watch as the hostess gets their drinks (2 waters) and gives them some bread to munch on. I return to their table no more than 5 minutes since they have been seated and ask how they are doing. “Hungry.” says the woman in a sarcastic and bitchy tone. Great they are pissed. I get their order put in, (the lady only orders a salad, she must be starving) and the guy gets chicken or something. I check back with them but they haven’t touched their waters or bread and say that they don’t need anything. Keep in mind that they have a front row seat to watch me scurry around the restaurant with all my other tables. Their food is ready really quick and I drop it off and ask if there is anything else I can get for them. They do not respond and just look at me like I am an asshole so I leave. By the end of their meal they still have not touched their drinks and they do not need boxes. I drop the check and then watch as the man goes over to talk to my manager. I couldn’t believe it. He actually complained that the hostess (who got them everything they needed right away while they were waiting) was very rude to them and that I was “the most inattentive waiter he had ever seen”. Then he stiffed me. Haha! What the hell do you want me to do when you don’t drink your water or touch your fucking bread??? That was the best service you ever got in your life dick!

- Mr. Inattentive

It was my third day as a waiter. I was definitely a rookie and still learning the ropes. I am sat with a very strange party of six, very strange. A motley crew of different races and ages that I couldn’t imagine were related began to file toward the table. Five members of the party are sat and the sixth member arrived about five minutes later. What an entrance. A 6′2″ muscular “woman” wearing a red dress strolled toward the table. “Hello darling,” she said in deep and eccentric voice, “are you going to be taking care of us?” “Ah, yes, ah, ma’am, I sure am,” I stammered, lost in the plastic gaze. “Oh wonderful, wonderful!” she exclaimed through her massive botoxed lips. She completes her grand entrance by giving everybody at the table a kiss. I approach the table to get the drink order, “What can I get for you, um, miss?” I say, staring at “her” enormous adams apple. “I would love some Sambuca, make sure it has the 3 espresso beans on the side handsome.” Oh my god. After figuring out what the fuck she (he) was trying to order (thank you internet in the back) I brought back the drink and tried to escape without engaging in anymore conversation with the ma…women, but to no avail. “You know I am a performer in Europe,” he/she whispered to me in a steamy voice. “Oh really?” I say, trying to avoid any sort of eye contact. “Of course darling!” bellows the transvestite, “I could show you things you would never forget!” You already have sir, you already have.

Customer: “What kind of beer do you have on tap?”

Waiter: “We have Newcastle, Widmer Hefeweizen, and Miller Light.”

Customer: “Oh, so you don’t have any Bud?”

Waiter: “Nope, just  Newcastle, Widmer Hefeweizen, and Miller Light.”

Customer: “What about Coors?”

Waiter : “Have you been drinking already?”

While a student I once worked for a caterer on New Years Eve because I didn’t have a Honey and needed the Money.
Assigned 8 tables, I decided to work them from the closest point were the food was to the furthest point out.  Hey, it was methodical.
One chump at the furthest table wanted to know why his table was last to be served and I proceeded to explain my logic.  8 tables, 2 legs, you get the drift.
Clearly my explanation was not satisfactory as he continued to press me again and again as to why “HIS” table was last.
I ushered the New Year in vowing:
•       Never again suppress the desire to rip some asshole’s head off at a dinner table
•       NEVER again work on New Years Eve, even if I had to “rent” a date.
And to top it all off I made jack for the Night!!!