I was running food to tables the other night and I walked up to what
looked like a nice couple. They where sitting in a round booth, the
woman towards the center of it and the man at the end. They had a
bottle of red wine on the table also.

I went to grate cheese on the woman’s food and I had to be careful for
the bottle of wine because I was at a weird angle.

The man could tell I was being careful. He said, “Are you worried the
wine bottle is going to poke you in the boob or something?”

Wtf.

I replied, “No, I was actually concerned about knocking the bottle
over.”

“Oh, good looking out I guess.” He said.

I start to walk away, but wait! He’s not done!

“Most people would be concerned about their boob.” He said.

That’s when his wife hit him in the arm and told him to be quiet. I
was really glad she said something because I felt really awkward.

Next time I grate cheese I will make sure I don’t have a “I’m worried
about my boobs being poked right now” look on my face.

- Princess Consuela Banana Hammock

So I’m a teacher by trade, but had many a waitressing job before and
even during my teaching career. My husbands business moved us from a
bustling city to a small rural town, and thus I had to find a new job.
Unfortunately in this economy it is even harder to find a decent job
in small towns than it is in the city. So I went on the mad job hunt
and only got an interview at ONE place, a small religious non-profit
school. I was accepted but the pay they were offering was PITIFUL. So
I decided to risk my hand for a bigger offer by playing the bluffing
game. I, the city girl, told the woman who interviewed and offered me
the job that I had also been offered a position for more money at
another school in the area, in hopes that she would counter-offer a
larger salary. My mistake. She wished me the best of luck at the other
school and bid me farewell. Fuck!

2 weeks later I finally find a job waiting tables. Literally my third
day on the job, who walks in and gets seated in my section but Mrs.
Religious-Non-Profit herself and her family. I panic. Making up
something clever like “This is my after-school job” completely slips
my mind.

She recognizes me of course and says something innocently nasty like
“So this is the job you got?”. I turned red, laughed, and bustled away
without even asking what they wanted to drink. They got water. No one
complained.

And of course, as if the universe desires to see me squirm, she and
her family come in once a week and almost always end up in my section.
I have to scramble around and beg any other waiter to take the table.
It’s not too difficult because they are actually really good tippers.

Needless to say, I’ve learned a thing or two about living in the
country now…
- At Your Service

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It was a pretty busy night and I had just pre-bussed one of my tables. I went into the kitchen to give the plates to the dishwasher, but he was not behind the sink. Where was he? He was standing right next to the door, shaking a big container of cayenne pepper into some soup. As I passed him I was hit with a big cloud of pepper right in my face! It absorbed nicely into my eyes and hurt so f***ing bad!! I was crying for like ten minutes and was subsequently behind on my tables for the rest of the night. Thanks jackass!!! What are you waiting for?

- Sarah

[poll id="4"]

I own a restaurant. I believe it would be considered a dive. Not fancy, small, lots of regulars, and I wait tables. We are located in a small town that is perceived by most to be full of rich people. Consequently, we have to deal with the occassional pre-madonna.

We had a famous chef come in one day. I was so excited that while on a delivery, I was telling my customer all about it. One of his customers overheard and a little while later, she and her (much younger) husband were at my shop.

They ordered and then told me all about how she had so much money and a mansion that she lost in a storm. Now she and her new husband were struggling to deal with living in a 4 bedroom townhome near the beach. She was slightly dramatic but that made her story very colorful. I listened and felt bad for what they had been through. I have family that lost almost everything in the same storm.

They were paying their bill and she was complimenting our food and our conversation. I was thanking them for their visit and she said, “Well, when I get back to the hotel, I’m going to let them know that we went slumming and found that you are a gem!”

LOL I thanked her for her kindness and remain completely amused that someone would think that “going slumming” can be made a compliment. LOL

- Monica

Now I have been in the food industry for six years. I feel as if I
could write a small novel on horrible tables. And I can proudly say
that I have never spit or messed with any customers food. Not saying
that the temptation has never arose. This one was particularly hard
not to mess with. I was serving a table of twelve in a secluded area
of the restaurant, nine adults and three kids. I walked over to greet
them and get their drink order thinking its not so bad, the kids are
all sitting down and being quite, maybe this will go smoothly. I got
all of their drinks and came back with a sense of comfort and ease
considering the kids haven’t said anything. I ask the table if they
would like any appetizers. The ring-leader was one of the parents and
asked if we had mozzarella sticks. I apologized and said that we don’t
carry them anymore. She turns to her child and apologizes, the kid
just loses it. Screaming, laying on the floor and kicking, the whole
nine yards. The mom lets the kid just lay there and wail. Even though
we were in a secluded part of the restaurant, the whole place could
hear it. Eventually the kid calms down and goes back to his chair. I
put all the orders in, check a few other tables and go back to see if
they need any refills. The kids chair happens to be at the head of the
table where I stand next to so everyone can see me. Before I can ask
about refills, the kid stands up, and at the top of his voice screams
in my ear demanding his mozzarella sticks. The mom doesn’t do a thing.
After 2 minutes of trying to get away from the kid, who follows me
around the table still screaming as I try to ascertain who needs
refills, I walk up to the mom and say with a very cheesy smile, “If
you do not control your child you will be told to leave.” (Perks of
being a head server is not having to deal with going through the chain
of command for permission to do this.)
The mother apologizes and sets her kid straight in ten seconds. She
apologized again and said she would compensate me for the trouble.
Everything else went smoothly for there on out. They receive the
check, leave cash on the table and head out. Check, 170 bucks.
Tip…20.

- Joe

So today I walk into work and my manager looks at me and says, “Hey, whats up Blaine?” It was a little odd, but I played along. “Hey, whats up?” I reply. He starts laughing and hands me a Christmas card that one of my tables apparently sent to me. I open it up and a picture of the couple that sent the card falls out. I pick it up and start reading the card. “Dear Blaine, thank you so much for the great service….etc…..your so amazing…..etc…. you get the idea.” I have never had anything like that happen before. I was really touched by the gesture and it is great to see that people still have Christmas Spirit. Truly touching, only problem is that my name is BLAIR.

- Blair

I was on the front patio with 5 tables sat and all needing random
items; dessert menus, coffee, A GREET. Any who, I had this table with
3 women that were needy as FUCk! First of all when they sat down one
of the ladies said”its cold out here can you turn up the heater”.In my
head Im thinking” didn’t you just walk from outside to inside to get a
table then DECIDE to sit outside, the 2 other broads managed to bring
jackets”.Fast forwarding to them getting food, another server that
dropped food to thier table said “Sloan your table 323 (table in
question) SUCKS!!!”DUH I said. When it got to the end of thier
experience they needed a box for their dessert, well guess what, my 4
other tables needed shit too, so I decided they were going to wait
seeing as how I just finished doing 3 errands for their table.BAD
IDEA. Apparently they went to the front desk and spoke with the
hostess. While they were speaking, I interupted to tell them ” ladies
i’m so sorry for the wait, THANK YOU so much for your pateience I
really apprciate it, let me take your payment right away”!I brought it
back right away and the 2 ladies smiled. Apparently they told the
hostess, the service was GOOD and I got everything they needed but my
smile was kinda fake. She got a manager and I had already continued
with fetching for other tables. I went to the back and saw the ladies
still standing there so I said “Oh my gosh ladies, did I forget
something, is there something else I can get you?” the lady said “NO
WERE DONE WITH YOU” My mouth dropped as she WAIVED me away with her
hand.

You’ve have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME BITCH!!!! Your telling me I
got you everything you needed AND FUCKING smiled and you complained!
HOLY SHIT strike me dead. Newsflash bitch! Every server’s smile is
FAKE because ALL of us hate serving!!!

If the economy wasn’t so bad, that was the perfect opportunity and
situation to tell that BITCH TO GO FUCK HERSELF, but unfortunetly I
have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again!
- Sloanster

I hate (I am sure we all do) when a customer (like The Camel) pounds the shit out of their drink, and then looks around for the server and glares at them like they did something wrong. Hi, I have other tables, so if it has been 30 seconds since I gave you a drink already and you already finished it, your going to go thirsty for a few minutes. Maybe even more if you are an asshole about it!

- Craig

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It is a busy Saturday night and I have just finished running out one of the other server’s food. I grate cheese for her party of 4 and then I go to another table that just got there food and grate cheese for them. Right after I finish that I see that one of my table’s food has just been dropped. I promptly walk over to my table and ask them if they would like any cheese. “You folks want any fresh grated Romano? I have been grating cheese for everybody in this place!” “Oh,” the lady replies with an inquisitive look, “is that what your job is?” Yeah, they pay me to stand around all day and wait for people to need cheese. Idiot.

- Andrew

Today, I was taking care of the entire bar which decided to become
full in one swift parade of people. Working the bar, servers can show
their ability to multitask all of their tables as one big table to
keep everyone happy. So, I bring a coffee to this table of foreigners
who were shocked I didn’t bring the man a cup too, although I was sure
they said 1 cup of coffee.

Me: Oh, wow, I’m sorry sir. I’ll get that coffee for you. It looks
like you two are ready to order though, what can I get for you?

Man: You will get my coffee first, and then I will order

Me: Okay.

Of course, without any hesitation whatsoever, I continue to help the 3
other tables surrounding his. Taking food orders, drink orders, and
even bringing bread and butter to a table. Then, getting the man’s
coffee with the other 3 table’s drinks, I bring his beverage last.

They apologized for the coffee comment.

With a 10% tip.

- Tim

I used to be a server at a place who’s name is a type of spicy
nightshade (Also a South American Country). Anyway, if you’ve ever
been, the booths are set up back to back in servers’ stations so each
booth can absolutely hear the server talking to their other tables. I
used to get so bored at this place and hated the tips so much that I
would F with my tables periodically. My future submissions will be a
series named “F’ing With Tables.” Enjoy numero uno!

I am quite the cunning linguist, so I would talk to each of my tables
in a different accent. Before I did it, I would take bets with other
servers on how long it would be before a guest finally said something,
then would time the event. The first time I did it, not one of my
tables in 4 hours said a peep! I had to try so hard to laugh at their
confused faces and surprisingly, tips weren’t that bad.