So I get sat this table of 6 women tonight and I think I’ve hit the
jackpot! They look like just the kind of women who are gonna sit there
and get drunk, order maybe $150 worth of sushi, and leave me a nice
hefty tip.

But… upon looking at them more carefully, I realize that one of them
is a hated customer of mine. I hadn’t recognized her at first because
I had never seen her in the place without her husband. Let’s just say
that this woman is very nice and polite, but she runs me like a
treadmill, like to unbelievable proportions, and her husband tips me
10% at the most. So one night when they came in I decided “fuck it”…
and I was incredibly rude to them. Rude enough that now every time
they come in they request NOT to be seated in my section.

So tonight I figure that I am screwed with these ladies if this one
woman decides to blow it for me, which I have a very strong feeling
she will. And she does. I just know it. Because when I sat these
ladies all seemed right with the world. But upon bringing out their
appetizers, their attitudes have changed. And I just KNOW that in my
absence this blonde bitch has poisoned these women to me. I get so
pissed. I run into the kitchen fuming, throwing words like “cunt,
ho-bag, bitch ass whore dog” around, sounding like a paranoid weirdo
to my coworkers who can’t seem to see the problem. And of course I
can’t exactly explain the problem either but I still TRY, sounding
like a loony all the while.

Anyway, the poison-mouthed lady pulls her same old shit, as usual.
Smiles at me all sugary sweet as she runs me back and forth and back
and forth throughout their meal.

Finally, something totally unexpected happens. I am in the back
filling soda’s, out of view of the floor but still within earshot…
and I hear this laughter coming from that table of ladies. And then I
hear these magic words ring forth from the giggles “The waitress isn’t
MEAN, Sheila! You’re just ANNOYING!!!” And they’re all cracking up,
including annoying Sheila. I can’t stop smiling, and I thank my lucky
stars that I had still given this table the respect they deserved,
despite my belief that it was lost cause (tip wise). I run into the
kitchen to try and validate my previous temper tantrum, but of course
no one understands.

Anyway, this is just a reminder to all of us to stay on the right
track… even when a lost cause is staring you in the face. They left
me a 20% tip, by the way.

- At Your Service

One night I was blessed to have a table with some very attractive ladies. Always a plus. They were really flirty and I felt I was doing a good job (not only on the tip but maybe a number too). They enjoyed everything and at the end of the meal they decided to have some coffee. I brought the coffee cups over and began chatting with the girl on the end while pouring the coffee. I was pulling out all my best waiter material and making her laugh. Just when I thought everything was going perfect I noticed that I had been overflowing her cup all over the table while I sat there laughing like an idiot and thinking I was smooth. Needless to say I didn’t get that number.

- Smooth Operator

I work at a fine dining restaurant. I had only been working there about 2 weeks when I was informed that one of our “VIP” members was going to be coming in with his wife. I was told to give him a bottle of wine on the house. No problem. They sit down and are very nice. I inform them that I have a bottle of wine waiting for them and ask if they would like me to open it. Of course they say yes, who refuses free wine? I retrieve the wine and begin opening it while I am chatting with them at the table. I insert my trusty wine key, give a few twists, start working the cork out, and SNAP! I break the cork in two. Shit! Nothing screams “Hey I am new here and suck at my job” like breaking a cork off in a nice bottle of wine. I get my manager, thinking that we need a new bottle because the guy is “VIP”, but he just replies, “Just grab the strainer, I have a little tool that will get it out.” We get the strainer and he begins using a little tool that looks like an ice pick to try and get the cork out. We are both at the table, me standing there like an idiot, and my manager, battling to get this damn cork out. He accidentally pushes the cork all the way in. Great. So we pour the wine through the strainer and into a decanter and PRESTO! Problem solved. Well, until they decided that they wanted to take the rest of the wine home with them. So we have the bartender put the wine back in the bottle and seal it up. Everything was fine until I happened to glance at the bottle on my way to the table. It looked so classy with a huge piece of cork floating in it! Luckily one of my coworkers had an empty bottle of the exact same wine. We did the ol’ switcheroo and the table was none the wiser. Thank God they had a good sense of humor because I felt like a jackass!

- The Wino

I was doing a restaurant opening, observing the new servers in their stations, and I noticed that one girl had forgot to bring her table some ketchup. I bent down to pull a bottle out of the cabinet and another girl came up and swiftly opened a drawer into my brow bone. It hurt really bad, but I composed myself because I knew the girl felt terrible, I brushed it off and hurried to drop the ketchup off at the table. As I approached the table I noticed they were looking at me weird, but I smiled and dropped the ketchup off, asking them if they needed anything else. They all stared at me and finally the Dad said no thank you. I walked down the aisle of tables and noticed that many of them were giving me weird looks, so I walked up to another trainer and asked if I had anything on my face. He looked at me in horror and said, “Oh My GOD!!! You are bleeding everywhere”, I looked down at my shirt and it had a stream of blood all over it. I went to the back and looked in a mirror and I had blood dripping down my face and covering my shirt. Basically, I had walked up to a table bleeding everywhere, I’m sure they thoroughly enjoyed their dinners mmmmm here’s your ketchup.

-Kristen

Kids say the best stuff ever! A while back i was serving a table of
5-6 there was a 3ish yr old boy and an infant girl! When I came up to
the table the boy announced to me and pointed “That’s my baby sister”
Not knowing what to say I said “Wow, you must be really proud!” He
replied “She rides me like a Donkey” I laughed out loud and then was
apologized to by his father later that evening! HAHAHA

- Ray

So it’s my first table of the day and, as usual, I start the day in a
fun and perky mood. I went to great the table of 4 sitting in the bar
and say, “Hi ladies! Can I start you with something to drink while you
look at the menus?” And then I actually take a closer look at the
guests and one happens to be a man. So then I backtrack with, “Oh, I’m
sorry sir.” Only to have her tell me that she IS a woman and she would
like to speak to a manager about my sexist comments…FML…

- Roger

I work in a Chinese restaurant. I love my co-workers, but hardly any of
them speak English very well. Most servers don’t last long there
because if you don’t get down what my arch nemesis co-worker (who’s
worked there 20+ yrs) calls “pigeon talk”, you can’t communicate with
the cooks, manager, or other staff. I, however, grew up in a
non-English-speaking-household, so I KNOW “pigeon talk”… cut all
your statements down to the bare minimum of words, speak slowly, use
the present tense for everything you say, and watch their face to see
if you’re actually being understood. Easy breezy.

So one night I get seated a table of 6 college students, two of which
are Asian but speak impeccable English… obviously Americans of Asian
descent. The table is going fine, they order, eat, etc. I go to clear
their plates and as usual politely approach each customer and ask “Are
you finished with that?” before I take their plate away.

I get to the first Asian young man. “You finish?” I ask, looking him
right in the eye. “You no eat?” I continue, pointing my finger at his
plate. Ooops…

Fuck me, I’m an asshole.

- At Your Service

I waited on a group of 6 adults and 9 kids. The restaurant was
extremely busy and we had to seat the group in the “event” room. This
requires me to give up my floor tables until the room is taken care
of. I come to one young man of about 9. He asked me if there is egg in
the batter on the chicken tenders, being busy I answered that I didn’t
know but I would imagine there was. He was like can you check I’m
allergic to eggs. So I reluctantly go check with the kitchen. Our head
cook is also the owner and he can be very gruff, and I am slightly
intimidated by him. I stick my head in the door and ask the question.
He looks at me like I’m crazy says he doesn’t know but he thinks there
is. So I go back and tell the kid, he looks so disappointed. But I’m
wanting to get this group taken care of so I can get back on the floor
and make some money. So I’m getting ready to try and talk the kid into
something else when his mother comes over and tells me she would like
the cook to check the ingredients on the box to see if eggs are used.
She must have seen the panic in my eyes and followed me to the kitchen
door. The boss stopped what he was doing got the box from the freezer
and checked the ingredients in front of the mother. It had eggs as we
thought. She then tells me that she use to just accept the answer we
don’t know but we think, of being brushed off because the rest. was
busy. But after seeing your child being disappointed over and over and
realizing that sometimes the help is wrong she demands they check.
Something about this Mothers determination for her son impressed me. I
hugged her and told her as much. she remains one of the best mothers
ever in my eyes. Plus the group made the time worth my while by
tipping about 25.00. Not bad.
- Bullwinkle

One night I was serving a very nice and easy going middle-aged couple. They ordered some wine, an appetizer, and two entrees. The lady was very nice and I barely had to get them so much as a refill on their waters….love it. I bring out their entrees and go by the soda fountain to talk to the other servers. It is really slow so we are all just hanging around.  I glance over at my table and see the lady wave me over. What could possibly be wrong? “Hi, everything tasting ok?” The lady smiles and says, “yes, everything is tasting fine…but there is a big hair in my food,” which she then proceeds to pull out and show me. It was a huge long black hair, definitely from the hostess since she is the only one with hair exactly like that. “Oh my gosh I am so sorry! Let me get you a new plate, it wont take long!” “No, no, its fine. I don’t mind.” Wow. “Please miss, let me get you another plate! You shouldn’t have to eat food with a hair in it.” “Nope, it is fine. It wont kill me.” “Miss you are one of the coolest tables I have ever had. At least let me give you some free dessert, I insist.” “Ok, you have twisted my arm.” After her meal I gave her a big piece of chocolate cake and she gave me a big tip! I still wish she would have let me get her a new plate though….gross.

- Fabio

I work in a very small restaurant with only 2 other waiters, and one
of those waiters is my arch nemesis. I hate him with a fiery passion,
but have to deal with him. He covers the dinner shift alone every
Sunday night… but consistently calls out and/or asks me to work for
him Sundays. Because let’s face it: most Sunday nights suck for tips.

I decided to work for him one Sunday (even though I usually don’t try
to do him any favors, just to spite him). I was bored and figured I
could use a little extra cash. Even if I only made $20, it’d be worth
it.

I get there at 5 pm. I wait on 2 tables by 6 pm. One of them stiffs
me. The other, a single, leaves me $2. I leave at 6:30 fairly annoyed
at my luck and my $2 in tips, kicking myself for the bad luck I spared
my arch nemesis by taking his shift.

The next night, my usual Monday dinner shift alone, I make a whopping
$20 in tips. I leave, once again early and annoyed at my crappy tips.

When I get home my husband asks how work was. I answer: “Pretty good!
I made 10 times more than I did last night!”
-At Your Service

The other day I had a lady order my restaurant’s Pasta Fajule soup. Keep in mind, it is called PASTA Fajule. So this lady says that it sounds so good and that she can’t wait to try it. I drop off the soup and go and start another table. As I walk by this lady flags me down and says, “There is to much pasta in this soup!” All I could do was smile and say, “Well, it is called Pasta Fajule.”

- Matt

For some reason I have become a magnet for older people trying to sell me on pyramid scams. I was serving a table of two seniors during a big rush. They were very nice and everything was going well. As I was bringing their dessert and trying to take care of all my other tables, the old lady starts talking to me about “owning my own business”. She starts telling me about this great juice product and how you can make so much money etc etc. I try to be polite and get away but she just kept on talking. Finally she says, “You should talk to my partner. He made about a million dollars last year with this product. We could three way call you, but I need to know the best time for him to call. He is very busy, he has three ways all the time.” Hey that doesn’t sound so bad after all!

- The Magnet

Ok so I work at an italian resturant and for our dinner crowd, we
don’t sell a lot of coffee, we sell more wine and margaritas and such.
Well I had my first decaf drinker of the shift so of course I had to
make a new pot of coffee since we don’t premake the decaf. ( we would
end up throwing the whole thing out normally) Well everything’s fine I
get her the coffee. At the end of the meal she asks for another cup of
coffee. Problem number 1: Since I’m a new server to the company I’m
only allowed a 3 table section…and one of my tables is going to sit
there for an hour after they pay and just talk… Thanks ladies…
Problem 2: I walk back up to the table and ask if everything’s ok. The
lady tells me that her coffee is way too strong… Um, lady its the
same coffee you just had 20 minutes ago… I just went back to the
station poured her a new cup of the exact same coffee, put a bit of
hot water in it and gave it back to her. Apparently she was satisfied
and I ended up with an 18% tip. All in an night’s work…

- Bri

One night I had a table of two middle aged guys. Well, for about 40 minutes it was one guy waiting around for the other one. He decides that he is going to order because his friend is really late. So he finishes his food and as I am taking his plate his friend shows up. I get the friend a plate and leave them to their own devices. I come back a couple minutes later and see that they now have a big ass folder out with a bunch of business papers everywhere. It appears that the first guy is trying to sell something to the non-punctual guy. Looks like it is going to be a long stay…it was. I left them alone for a good hour and a half and finally they were ready for the check. I drop the check and tell them to have a good night. They take off and leave me 15 bucks on a 40 dollar check. Now I love them. About an hour later I see the original guy come back into the restaurant. “Your still here?” I exclaim. “Yeah….we are still talking…I am so tired of it,” he laughs heading for the bathroom. “Ya I bet. You want a cup of coffee?” “Yeah sure!” He goes into the bathroom and I get a cup of coffee and set it on our bar. He comes out 1 minute later, heading for the door. “Here is your coffee!” I yell as he walks past. “Oh, no way man! No way!” He then rushes out the door. What the hell?

- Confused As Hell

I wake up at 8:30 and shower and shave while I’m still half asleep.
Didn’t sleep worth a fuck last night because I’m staying with a good
friend until I can afford to get on my own feet, and that means I
sleep on a hardwood floor each night. I rush out the door with soaking
wet hair into the 14-degree weather. Five minutes waiting at the bus
stop and my ponytail is already frozen hard, literally. Get to work at
my scheduled time of 9:30, not a second late, because I’m obsessive
about being a punctual person. No one’s there. The restaurant opens in
an hour and a half, and there is absolutely no one inside right now.
Lights off, doors locked, it’s freezing out here, where is the
cleaning crew? Where is the chef? Where is the dishwasher, the host,
WHERE THE FUCK IS MANAGEMENT?? Nice to see they appreciate punctual
employees. After waiting in the cold for half an hour (because I don’t
have enough money for bus fare back home) I call the floor manager,
who was asleep, and he calls the owner. Owner is inside the building
and opens the doors for me, thank god I’m not out in that cold
anymore. (What the hell was he doing for half an hour with the lights
off and the doors locked when he knows we’re supposed to be opening
the restaurant?) I set the stations up and wait for customers…..and
wait for customers…..and wait for customers. Get one table, one guy,
orders a sandwich and a coke. Leaves me one dollar and fifty cents for
a tip. No one else shows up for the rest of my shift, so the floor
manager says I can go home. Awesome, except a dollar-fifty won’t cover
my bus fare home. So I clock out and run my checkout, and as I’m
signing it a four-top walks in. The bartender gets the one that just
barely got away from me. Fuck it, I’m working this evening, I’ll make
up for it then. Walk for 40 minutes to get home (did I mention it’s 14
degrees outside?) and grab some food, take a nap. Get a ride from my
roomie back to work at 6, and sit around for another two
hours….with….not….one….table. Management says, “Go ahead and
clock out, we’re not getting any business tonight. Sorry about the
deadbeat day.”

I worked for 8 hours today and made $1.50. What the fuck am I waiting
for again?

- Broke As Hell