I work in a Chinese restaurant. I love my co-workers, but hardly any of
them speak English very well. Most servers don’t last long there
because if you don’t get down what my arch nemesis co-worker (who’s
worked there 20+ yrs) calls “pigeon talk”, you can’t communicate with
the cooks, manager, or other staff. I, however, grew up in a
non-English-speaking-household, so I KNOW “pigeon talk”… cut all
your statements down to the bare minimum of words, speak slowly, use
the present tense for everything you say, and watch their face to see
if you’re actually being understood. Easy breezy.

So one night I get seated a table of 6 college students, two of which
are Asian but speak impeccable English… obviously Americans of Asian
descent. The table is going fine, they order, eat, etc. I go to clear
their plates and as usual politely approach each customer and ask “Are
you finished with that?” before I take their plate away.

I get to the first Asian young man. “You finish?” I ask, looking him
right in the eye. “You no eat?” I continue, pointing my finger at his
plate. Ooops…

Fuck me, I’m an asshole.

- At Your Service

I waited on a group of 6 adults and 9 kids. The restaurant was
extremely busy and we had to seat the group in the “event” room. This
requires me to give up my floor tables until the room is taken care
of. I come to one young man of about 9. He asked me if there is egg in
the batter on the chicken tenders, being busy I answered that I didn’t
know but I would imagine there was. He was like can you check I’m
allergic to eggs. So I reluctantly go check with the kitchen. Our head
cook is also the owner and he can be very gruff, and I am slightly
intimidated by him. I stick my head in the door and ask the question.
He looks at me like I’m crazy says he doesn’t know but he thinks there
is. So I go back and tell the kid, he looks so disappointed. But I’m
wanting to get this group taken care of so I can get back on the floor
and make some money. So I’m getting ready to try and talk the kid into
something else when his mother comes over and tells me she would like
the cook to check the ingredients on the box to see if eggs are used.
She must have seen the panic in my eyes and followed me to the kitchen
door. The boss stopped what he was doing got the box from the freezer
and checked the ingredients in front of the mother. It had eggs as we
thought. She then tells me that she use to just accept the answer we
don’t know but we think, of being brushed off because the rest. was
busy. But after seeing your child being disappointed over and over and
realizing that sometimes the help is wrong she demands they check.
Something about this Mothers determination for her son impressed me. I
hugged her and told her as much. she remains one of the best mothers
ever in my eyes. Plus the group made the time worth my while by
tipping about 25.00. Not bad.
- Bullwinkle

One night I was serving a very nice and easy going middle-aged couple. They ordered some wine, an appetizer, and two entrees. The lady was very nice and I barely had to get them so much as a refill on their waters….love it. I bring out their entrees and go by the soda fountain to talk to the other servers. It is really slow so we are all just hanging around.  I glance over at my table and see the lady wave me over. What could possibly be wrong? “Hi, everything tasting ok?” The lady smiles and says, “yes, everything is tasting fine…but there is a big hair in my food,” which she then proceeds to pull out and show me. It was a huge long black hair, definitely from the hostess since she is the only one with hair exactly like that. “Oh my gosh I am so sorry! Let me get you a new plate, it wont take long!” “No, no, its fine. I don’t mind.” Wow. “Please miss, let me get you another plate! You shouldn’t have to eat food with a hair in it.” “Nope, it is fine. It wont kill me.” “Miss you are one of the coolest tables I have ever had. At least let me give you some free dessert, I insist.” “Ok, you have twisted my arm.” After her meal I gave her a big piece of chocolate cake and she gave me a big tip! I still wish she would have let me get her a new plate though….gross.

- Fabio

I work in a very small restaurant with only 2 other waiters, and one
of those waiters is my arch nemesis. I hate him with a fiery passion,
but have to deal with him. He covers the dinner shift alone every
Sunday night… but consistently calls out and/or asks me to work for
him Sundays. Because let’s face it: most Sunday nights suck for tips.

I decided to work for him one Sunday (even though I usually don’t try
to do him any favors, just to spite him). I was bored and figured I
could use a little extra cash. Even if I only made $20, it’d be worth
it.

I get there at 5 pm. I wait on 2 tables by 6 pm. One of them stiffs
me. The other, a single, leaves me $2. I leave at 6:30 fairly annoyed
at my luck and my $2 in tips, kicking myself for the bad luck I spared
my arch nemesis by taking his shift.

The next night, my usual Monday dinner shift alone, I make a whopping
$20 in tips. I leave, once again early and annoyed at my crappy tips.

When I get home my husband asks how work was. I answer: “Pretty good!
I made 10 times more than I did last night!”
-At Your Service

The other day I had a lady order my restaurant’s Pasta Fajule soup. Keep in mind, it is called PASTA Fajule. So this lady says that it sounds so good and that she can’t wait to try it. I drop off the soup and go and start another table. As I walk by this lady flags me down and says, “There is to much pasta in this soup!” All I could do was smile and say, “Well, it is called Pasta Fajule.”

- Matt

For some reason I have become a magnet for older people trying to sell me on pyramid scams. I was serving a table of two seniors during a big rush. They were very nice and everything was going well. As I was bringing their dessert and trying to take care of all my other tables, the old lady starts talking to me about “owning my own business”. She starts telling me about this great juice product and how you can make so much money etc etc. I try to be polite and get away but she just kept on talking. Finally she says, “You should talk to my partner. He made about a million dollars last year with this product. We could three way call you, but I need to know the best time for him to call. He is very busy, he has three ways all the time.” Hey that doesn’t sound so bad after all!

- The Magnet

Ok so I work at an italian resturant and for our dinner crowd, we
don’t sell a lot of coffee, we sell more wine and margaritas and such.
Well I had my first decaf drinker of the shift so of course I had to
make a new pot of coffee since we don’t premake the decaf. ( we would
end up throwing the whole thing out normally) Well everything’s fine I
get her the coffee. At the end of the meal she asks for another cup of
coffee. Problem number 1: Since I’m a new server to the company I’m
only allowed a 3 table section…and one of my tables is going to sit
there for an hour after they pay and just talk… Thanks ladies…
Problem 2: I walk back up to the table and ask if everything’s ok. The
lady tells me that her coffee is way too strong… Um, lady its the
same coffee you just had 20 minutes ago… I just went back to the
station poured her a new cup of the exact same coffee, put a bit of
hot water in it and gave it back to her. Apparently she was satisfied
and I ended up with an 18% tip. All in an night’s work…

- Bri

One night I had a table of two middle aged guys. Well, for about 40 minutes it was one guy waiting around for the other one. He decides that he is going to order because his friend is really late. So he finishes his food and as I am taking his plate his friend shows up. I get the friend a plate and leave them to their own devices. I come back a couple minutes later and see that they now have a big ass folder out with a bunch of business papers everywhere. It appears that the first guy is trying to sell something to the non-punctual guy. Looks like it is going to be a long stay…it was. I left them alone for a good hour and a half and finally they were ready for the check. I drop the check and tell them to have a good night. They take off and leave me 15 bucks on a 40 dollar check. Now I love them. About an hour later I see the original guy come back into the restaurant. “Your still here?” I exclaim. “Yeah….we are still talking…I am so tired of it,” he laughs heading for the bathroom. “Ya I bet. You want a cup of coffee?” “Yeah sure!” He goes into the bathroom and I get a cup of coffee and set it on our bar. He comes out 1 minute later, heading for the door. “Here is your coffee!” I yell as he walks past. “Oh, no way man! No way!” He then rushes out the door. What the hell?

- Confused As Hell

I wake up at 8:30 and shower and shave while I’m still half asleep.
Didn’t sleep worth a fuck last night because I’m staying with a good
friend until I can afford to get on my own feet, and that means I
sleep on a hardwood floor each night. I rush out the door with soaking
wet hair into the 14-degree weather. Five minutes waiting at the bus
stop and my ponytail is already frozen hard, literally. Get to work at
my scheduled time of 9:30, not a second late, because I’m obsessive
about being a punctual person. No one’s there. The restaurant opens in
an hour and a half, and there is absolutely no one inside right now.
Lights off, doors locked, it’s freezing out here, where is the
cleaning crew? Where is the chef? Where is the dishwasher, the host,
WHERE THE FUCK IS MANAGEMENT?? Nice to see they appreciate punctual
employees. After waiting in the cold for half an hour (because I don’t
have enough money for bus fare back home) I call the floor manager,
who was asleep, and he calls the owner. Owner is inside the building
and opens the doors for me, thank god I’m not out in that cold
anymore. (What the hell was he doing for half an hour with the lights
off and the doors locked when he knows we’re supposed to be opening
the restaurant?) I set the stations up and wait for customers…..and
wait for customers…..and wait for customers. Get one table, one guy,
orders a sandwich and a coke. Leaves me one dollar and fifty cents for
a tip. No one else shows up for the rest of my shift, so the floor
manager says I can go home. Awesome, except a dollar-fifty won’t cover
my bus fare home. So I clock out and run my checkout, and as I’m
signing it a four-top walks in. The bartender gets the one that just
barely got away from me. Fuck it, I’m working this evening, I’ll make
up for it then. Walk for 40 minutes to get home (did I mention it’s 14
degrees outside?) and grab some food, take a nap. Get a ride from my
roomie back to work at 6, and sit around for another two
hours….with….not….one….table. Management says, “Go ahead and
clock out, we’re not getting any business tonight. Sorry about the
deadbeat day.”

I worked for 8 hours today and made $1.50. What the fuck am I waiting
for again?

- Broke As Hell

I had a couple on my table last night. Typical, nothing out of the
ordinary. 2 waters, a martini and a beer nothing special. WE have 3
kinds of cesar salads. A side cesar, an appetizer cesar salad and an
entree cesar salad. The guy ordered an “APPETIZER cesar
salad”…(those were his exact words) and a pasta and a burger. When
they were done he ordered 2 cheesecakes one to go and one with a box
on the side. I drop the check and on my way to pick it up when i see
him sitting there waiting for me with the check presenter open. (You
know what that means, he wants something for free,,,FUCK)So apparently
the APPETIZER cesar salad was not what he wanted because that one was
8.95. He explained that he REALLY wanted the side cesar that was only
3.95. I said ok well you ordred the APPETIZER cesar salad and ate it.
And he said…..(the fucking nerve of this guy) “yeah but don;t you
have a cesar thats only 4 dollars or something thats the one we
wanted, we didnt even finish the one you brought”. NOW GOOD PEOPLE OF
AMERICAN, SINCE WHEN CAN YOU GO TO A FUCKING RESTURANT AND ORDER A
DISH, EAT WHAT YOU WANT AND IF YOU DIDNT EAT ENOUGH OF THE DISH, THEN
THEY WILL ONLY CHARGE YOU FOR WHAT YOU EAT. I wanted to tell this
piece of shit to GROW UP!!! I said “well what would you like me to do
SIR???? He said “can you only charge me for the side cesar, as you saw
we didn’t even eat the other one”. I ROLLED my eyes in his face and
grabbed the check presenter. He said OH WAIT and I have these coupons
for FREE cheesecakes.I took them and handed back one of them and said
you can only use one of these at a time……Here we go again!! WHY he
asked. I turned it over and said SEE HERE WHERE IT SAYS NOT TO BE USED
IN CONJUNCTION WITH ANY OTHER DISCOUNT OR OFFER,thats where it says
that!!! He said WHY can’t I use it, I said I just told you. Then he
handed me a gift card for 50 dollars so I ran it and brought him the
remaining balance of 12.35. Walking back to the table I noticed him
standing with the check presenter in the bar looking around. I said
did you need something?? he said “Id like to talk to a manager about
using my other coupon”. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!! So I talked
to a manager and he said “JUST GIVE THE GUY HIS CHEESECAKE AND GET HIM
OUTTA HERE”. Hey manager thanks for backing up your staff against
doosh bags like this cock sucker that realized when the bill came his
50 gift card wasnt gonna cover it. After all this bullshit his
remaining balance was 5.35. What did he leave me after I got him
allllllll this free shit? He left me 6 bucks, a whole .65 cent tip.
And people wonder why servers fuck with food, drop your silver wear on
the ground then give it to you, never wash our hands when coming from
taking a pee, spit in food, dont go out of our way for people etc,
because of this EXACT incident. Id love to go to this mother fuckers
work and pitch a fit and get free stuff, but do I do that?? NO I don’t
because as much as we hate it AMERICA, things cost money!!! If your
out there, man who sat at my table, you better pray I never run into
you outside of my job.You’ll have 3 new assholes….CHEAP BITCH!!!!!

- Sloanster