Kids say the best stuff ever! A while back i was serving a table of
5-6 there was a 3ish yr old boy and an infant girl! When I came up to
the table the boy announced to me and pointed “That’s my baby sister”
Not knowing what to say I said “Wow, you must be really proud!” He
replied “She rides me like a Donkey” I laughed out loud and then was
apologized to by his father later that evening! HAHAHA

- Ray

It is 2 days before Christmas and the restaurant is very busy. I am serving a table of 4 who are very picky, but nice. You know the type. They need something stupid every 2 minutes, but they are super polite about it. “Excuse me, can I have a teaspoon? I can’t stir my coffee with this spoon, it is too big.” “No problem, be right back with that.” “Excuse me, can I have a paper napkin.” “Of Course.” “Excuse me, this salad has too much dressing, can I get another one?” “I am going to kill you.” You get the idea. So, after it was all said and done it came time to pay the check, 50 dollars. I drop it off and watch as dollars and cents are carefully counted out. Finally they are finished and I go over to take the bill. “Thank you so much for the great service! Please keep the change, we left a little extra for you too, merry Christmas!” I go back to the computer station, eager to see how much they left me. I open up the check book and WOW! 4 dollars on 50! Merry Christmas you cheap bastards!

- Mike

One day when I was serving I got sat with a grumpy old guy who was by himself. I see him sit down and start reading the paper. I approach the table and say, “Hello sir! How are you doing today?” He keeps looking at the paper and says, “Merlot, lasagna, minestrone, and some bread,” never even bothering to look at me. How polite. Needless to say I took my sweet time on getting him anything and not surprisingly he tipped me like shit. The only solace I could take was knowing that I was getting that dollar tip no matter what, so why go above and beyond with service? I could have done a back flip with a full tray and pulled his lasagna out of a hat and he wouldn’t have even noticed. Thanks for the tip!

- J

My absolute favorite is going to a table getting their drink order and
as I’m leaving say, “Alright, I’ll be right back with your drinks and
some bread” and one person at the table responds with, “oh great, and
can we get some bread?” Sure jackass, and by the way thanks for
letting me know now that you’re not going to listen to anything i say
tonight. i bet you’ll listen when i shove that bread down your throat.

- Anna

A few nights ago I had a young couple with a child sit in my section, ok great kids are fine as long as they aren’t mine, so whatever. As soon as Jr. was put in the high chair he became a mental case, I seriously thought we were going to have to perform an exorcism. He was screaming and not like “tolerable kid whining” screaming, it was more like “on Goliath at Six Flags” screaming and these parents acted like nothing was happening! I get the whole parenting technique, ignore until he stops by himself, but not in a crowded upscale restaurant!! Take him outside for god sakes!!!! The other tables around began complaing after about 20 min of non-stop screaming, so our manager had to kindly let them know little Jr. was creating an unplesant experience for the other guests. Not only did these people get mad and demand the number for our corporate offices, they did not leave me a cent!! But little did they know they left me the greatest tip of all, be sure to take your birth control!!!!!!!

-Patty

I am serving a very nice family of four. They are very needy, but very polite and respectful the entire time, thus leading me to believe that I would be getting a good tip. They ran me around with stupid requests that fucked up all my timing. “Can we have some more bread?” “Of course, be right back.” I return with the bread. “Oh, thank you. Can we have some extra butter too?”  ”No problem.” I return with the butter. “Can we have a side of ranch?” You get the idea. God forbid they ask for everything at the same time. Pain in the ass but it is part of the job. So after it was all said and done they had racked up a nice 100 dollar check and I was having visions of 20%. I run the card for the father and drop the check book off on the table. I watch from afar as he signs the bill and the family gets up to leave. As they are walking by the man stops to shake my hand and says, “Thanks for the great service. You are a really good server.” He pats me on the back and feel waves of cheapness shoot through my body. Fuck, the dreaded VERBAL TIP. I rush over to the table and grab the check book. I fling it open and am devastated to find that my server instincts were right yet again. 6 dollars on a 100 dollar check. Thanks for coming in folks, maybe when my rent is due I will shake my land lord’s hand and say, “thanks for the great apartment.”

- Jim

Tonight I had a table of five early 30′s mid 20′s Asians. They all ordered cocktails so I carded them even though I knew they were all over 21, but just wanted to be safe. The first guy laughed when he handed me his ID and said, “How old do you think I am??”, so I guessed 33 1/2 and I was right. Then the next person asked me and I guessed his age right again, they were all in awe and asked if I went to school in Irvine or something because it is predominately an Asian population. I told them no, and joked I should change professions and work at a carnival or something. After guessing the other two ages right and missing the last one by one year the were totally amazed and couldn’t believe I was able to guess their ages because generally Asians look younger than they are. I told them it was a natural talent, but the truth is I’ve just been serving for too fucking long.

-Kristen

I was serving a sizzling, cast iron skillet of fajitas to a table of
Mom, Dad and their two kids [ages 3 and 4].

The table was round and the kids were sitting across from the
parents.

Using an oven mitt to set down the scorching black handled pan
between the parents [as they were sharing] I said, firmly, “Please
leave this here. It is incredibly hot and I don’t want the kids to
touch it.”

Pleasantries all the way around – I turn to leave. I am two steps
from the table when I hear a blood curdling scream.

I spin around and lil’ Petey is clutching his hand screeching.

His mother had taken a stack of napkins to wrap around the very hot
handle and moved the skillet to the middle of the table.

Dunking the lil’ boy’s hand in his Mother’s ice water [the parents
were frozen] I inquired why she would move it within reach of her
small children when I specifically asked her not to?

Her reply? “Well it was more convenient for me and my husband to eat
from in the middle of the table.”

- Skippymom

Why do people feel the need to remind servers repeatedly what they were drinking….I took your fucking drink order!!!!!!!!!

I had a table of uh….a…certain crowd we all know. 4 ladies all sharing one raspberry lemonade AND they were mad that we didn’t give free cheesecake for their supposed b-day celebration. Anyway, we didn’t get along too well and they left me $1 which I promptly returned….and got fired

-Nicki

This guy was with his family and they were all really nice until I gave him the bill. He looked at it and saw how much it was and he turned into a different person. All of sudden he got pissed and told me he wanted to talk to my manager. He told my manager that i took a bite out of his lemon because he was mexican…i didnt even pay attention to what race he was they were a normal family unitl he turned evil. After trying to get his whole bill taken care of, my manager took off his fish and chips, he didnt tip me…and NO i DID NOT bite his stupid lemon. cheapass.

-Amanda

I love the people that will not look at the menu. “What should I get?” “Well, what are you in the mood for?” “I don’t know, what do you have?” “We have a lot of different items, do you know what you are in the mood for?” “Um, I dunno, whatever, whats good?” I am not a fucking mind reader and I don’t know what you want. Experience tells me that anything I pick you will not enjoy, so just order the same fucking thing you always order when you come here. Take a fucking second and look at the menu, that is what it is there for you lazy prick!

- Jerome

I was serving a party 4, two older couples, and we were getting very
busy in the restaurant. We had a party of 30 out on the patio, so food
was taking forever. I went up to this table and apologized for the
food taking so long and explained to them that we have a party of 30
on the patio and unfortunately their order was put in before theirs.
So one of the jackasses says, Oh its ok you can just buy us a round of
drinks. With a fake ass smile on my face, I said well I cant do that,
but I can probably get you a free dessert on the house. Sooooo, of
course when they are finished eating, I forget about the comment I had
made earlier, and asked if they would like to look at a dessert menu.
And the bitch at the table says, Well YA! Since its on the house!!
Fucking pissed now, I go get the goddamn dessert menu, they order a
carrot cake, get the carrot cake, drop off the check to see a 10%
coupon on the table, of course why wouldn’t they have a coupon! I have
the manager take the 10% off for them on top of their free dessert and
discover my $8 tip on a $96 bill!

- Naomi

On occasion, I pick up host shifts at my restaurant and the rude customers and dumbfounding questions run rampant. One day, a party of 4 walks in from outside. I greet them:  “Hello, party of 4? Would you like to be seated inside or outside?” The customer replies, “Um, I don’t know, is it hot outside?”

“Well you were just outside, why don’t you tell me?” They opted to sit outside, then complained that it was too hot and had to be moved inside, guess how well they tipped…

- Taylor

This is a rendition of fucking with tables. When I was early on in my lucrative serving career, I worked at a small diner that rhymes with doobies. It was here I was able to first  discover the satisfaction that comes with fucking with your tables. We had a bunch of booths that backed up to a wall which had a small viewing space at the top so we could observe the dining room from the back of the house. When a server was selected to go in this section, we liked to play the “meow” game, yes the same meow game played in Super Troopers. Since the whole back of the house could observe the server at the table without the customers noticing it was the perfect situation. We would compete night after night to see who could slip meow into their banter with tables. Such as, “Would you like meow (mayo) on that burger?”, or my personal favorite “meow, you just let me know if I can get you anything else”. Needless to say this game never gets old and I recommend all of you try it.