One night I was serving a very nice and easy going middle-aged couple. They ordered some wine, an appetizer, and two entrees. The lady was very nice and I barely had to get them so much as a refill on their waters….love it. I bring out their entrees and go by the soda fountain to talk to the other servers. It is really slow so we are all just hanging around.  I glance over at my table and see the lady wave me over. What could possibly be wrong? “Hi, everything tasting ok?” The lady smiles and says, “yes, everything is tasting fine…but there is a big hair in my food,” which she then proceeds to pull out and show me. It was a huge long black hair, definitely from the hostess since she is the only one with hair exactly like that. “Oh my gosh I am so sorry! Let me get you a new plate, it wont take long!” “No, no, its fine. I don’t mind.” Wow. “Please miss, let me get you another plate! You shouldn’t have to eat food with a hair in it.” “Nope, it is fine. It wont kill me.” “Miss you are one of the coolest tables I have ever had. At least let me give you some free dessert, I insist.” “Ok, you have twisted my arm.” After her meal I gave her a big piece of chocolate cake and she gave me a big tip! I still wish she would have let me get her a new plate though….gross.

- Fabio

Ok so I work at an italian resturant and for our dinner crowd, we
don’t sell a lot of coffee, we sell more wine and margaritas and such.
Well I had my first decaf drinker of the shift so of course I had to
make a new pot of coffee since we don’t premake the decaf. ( we would
end up throwing the whole thing out normally) Well everything’s fine I
get her the coffee. At the end of the meal she asks for another cup of
coffee. Problem number 1: Since I’m a new server to the company I’m
only allowed a 3 table section…and one of my tables is going to sit
there for an hour after they pay and just talk… Thanks ladies…
Problem 2: I walk back up to the table and ask if everything’s ok. The
lady tells me that her coffee is way too strong… Um, lady its the
same coffee you just had 20 minutes ago… I just went back to the
station poured her a new cup of the exact same coffee, put a bit of
hot water in it and gave it back to her. Apparently she was satisfied
and I ended up with an 18% tip. All in an night’s work…

- Bri

Now I have been in the food industry for six years. I feel as if I
could write a small novel on horrible tables. And I can proudly say
that I have never spit or messed with any customers food. Not saying
that the temptation has never arose. This one was particularly hard
not to mess with. I was serving a table of twelve in a secluded area
of the restaurant, nine adults and three kids. I walked over to greet
them and get their drink order thinking its not so bad, the kids are
all sitting down and being quite, maybe this will go smoothly. I got
all of their drinks and came back with a sense of comfort and ease
considering the kids haven’t said anything. I ask the table if they
would like any appetizers. The ring-leader was one of the parents and
asked if we had mozzarella sticks. I apologized and said that we don’t
carry them anymore. She turns to her child and apologizes, the kid
just loses it. Screaming, laying on the floor and kicking, the whole
nine yards. The mom lets the kid just lay there and wail. Even though
we were in a secluded part of the restaurant, the whole place could
hear it. Eventually the kid calms down and goes back to his chair. I
put all the orders in, check a few other tables and go back to see if
they need any refills. The kids chair happens to be at the head of the
table where I stand next to so everyone can see me. Before I can ask
about refills, the kid stands up, and at the top of his voice screams
in my ear demanding his mozzarella sticks. The mom doesn’t do a thing.
After 2 minutes of trying to get away from the kid, who follows me
around the table still screaming as I try to ascertain who needs
refills, I walk up to the mom and say with a very cheesy smile, “If
you do not control your child you will be told to leave.” (Perks of
being a head server is not having to deal with going through the chain
of command for permission to do this.)
The mother apologizes and sets her kid straight in ten seconds. She
apologized again and said she would compensate me for the trouble.
Everything else went smoothly for there on out. They receive the
check, leave cash on the table and head out. Check, 170 bucks.
Tip…20.

- Joe

I was on the front patio with 5 tables sat and all needing random
items; dessert menus, coffee, A GREET. Any who, I had this table with
3 women that were needy as FUCk! First of all when they sat down one
of the ladies said”its cold out here can you turn up the heater”.In my
head Im thinking” didn’t you just walk from outside to inside to get a
table then DECIDE to sit outside, the 2 other broads managed to bring
jackets”.Fast forwarding to them getting food, another server that
dropped food to thier table said “Sloan your table 323 (table in
question) SUCKS!!!”DUH I said. When it got to the end of thier
experience they needed a box for their dessert, well guess what, my 4
other tables needed shit too, so I decided they were going to wait
seeing as how I just finished doing 3 errands for their table.BAD
IDEA. Apparently they went to the front desk and spoke with the
hostess. While they were speaking, I interupted to tell them ” ladies
i’m so sorry for the wait, THANK YOU so much for your pateience I
really apprciate it, let me take your payment right away”!I brought it
back right away and the 2 ladies smiled. Apparently they told the
hostess, the service was GOOD and I got everything they needed but my
smile was kinda fake. She got a manager and I had already continued
with fetching for other tables. I went to the back and saw the ladies
still standing there so I said “Oh my gosh ladies, did I forget
something, is there something else I can get you?” the lady said “NO
WERE DONE WITH YOU” My mouth dropped as she WAIVED me away with her
hand.

You’ve have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME BITCH!!!! Your telling me I
got you everything you needed AND FUCKING smiled and you complained!
HOLY SHIT strike me dead. Newsflash bitch! Every server’s smile is
FAKE because ALL of us hate serving!!!

If the economy wasn’t so bad, that was the perfect opportunity and
situation to tell that BITCH TO GO FUCK HERSELF, but unfortunetly I
have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again!
- Sloanster

I love that people are actually deathly afraid that they wont recieve bread. Whether its the “brown” bread or all sourdough or if they really have balls they want ranch or salad dressing with thier complimentary bread. A note to people who think they have to tell us to bring bread. YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK US TO BRING BREAD. YOU WILL RECIEVE YOUR BREAD FASTER IF YOU WAIT FOR IT TO COME. IT IS PART OF POLICY THAT YOU RECIEVE BREAD AND WHEN YOU ASK FOR IT, IT MAKES THE SERVER WANT TO HIT YOU! phewww I feel much better.

-Sloanster

It is a pretty standard Wednesday night, and I notice that I am sat with a party of 8. Sweet. As I see the party getting situated, I realize that one of the couples are  my regulars from Tuesday. I quickly go up and say hi. We exchange pleasantries and they introduce me to the rest of the table, talking about how they always ask for me and what a great server I am. I get everybody started and take excellent care of them the rest of the night, positive they will be hooking me up at the end. After the meal we chat for a few minutes and they all take off. “See you on Tuesday!” I exclaim as they are leaving. I return to the table with dollar signs in my eyes and slowly open up the check book, savoring each moment. 6 on 100. Guess who’s section is always “full” on Tuesdays?

- Chris

One day I was happily completing my paperwork at the end of a long shift at the calculator table which happens to be next to the employee bathroom of course, cause we all know how much a restaurant cares for it’s staff. I was close to finishing when my general manager comes rushing around the corner with an urgent look in his eyes and flings himself into the bathroom. Not only did I almost get knocked over on his way in, I heard every single solitary sound of him severely raping the toilet. My manager and I did not look each other in the eye for a solid two months.

-Bessie

So I’m a server in this upscale view restaurant, the kind of place
you would go for occasions. I get a table of 3, a boy (15ish) his
girlfriend (15ish) and her mother (old). The boy is dressed up a
little too much and was clearly trying to impress. He talked for the
table and thought he would look cool to ask me questions every 2
f*cking seconds ( So, what is your favorite thing” ugh!) I played
along and proceeded to ask what the occasion was…”I’m taking her out
to dinner for getting good grades” he cockily replies…Awesome. So
they all order different steak dishes (ALL Well done) and rave about
them over and over. As i’m constantly filling their shirley temples
and diet cokes I keep telling myself maybe he’ll tip to impress too.
The check comes and he turns from phillipino brown to irish white.
“Can you put $XX on this card and $XXX on this card and $XX on this
card…” Damnit. Splitting to the penny. After they leave I look in
the check book and next to the 5% tip is this note “THE STEAK WAS DRY
”.
- Shannon

Slammed in my section tonight I had a full round of moth keepers ( people that need to open their wallets and let the moths fly the fuck out). I finally get that cool table that the dad jokes around and the family is very interactive. Cracking jokes already, I was in the weeds and the bartender was behind. He was a rather big fellow so I brought the table a round of waters and let them know the specials because I didnt want them to wait and I knew he was probably thirsty. Before I had even finished my intro, he drank the entire glass of water. I re-filled the glass of water 3 times before I brought them bar drinks only minutes later. He ordered a special refillable tea from the bar, but as a courtesy I had upgraded the beverage to a larger glass AND brought him a back up. Throughout the meal he had expressed interest and asked if I was a student at Cal State. He then went on to tell me how he fully supported his girls through school and his wife cut him off to make sure he exposed his secret. The secret was that he bought his daughters a four bedroom house while they went through college and let them vacation on his big luxiourious house boat at Lake Mead. Wow, I said, your girls are very lucky to have a dad like you, where do I sign up to be a part of YOUR family?! Bringing the table refills and lots of attention, sure that he would feel bad for my 2 job, school situation. The bill comes and the total is $190. He splits it between two credit cards $95 each. They had already left when I open the check presenters to find a big $9 off both checks. Apparently, today was not the day to sign up to be in his family!……Thanks Baller!!!

-Sloan

server “would you like meat or marinara sauce with your lasagna?”

customer “what’s the difference?”

server “the marinara is a tomato sauce and the meat sauce is the same
thing with bits of beef mixed in.”

customer “can you mix them?”

thats what the fucking meat sauce is

server “meat or marinara sauce?”

customer “yes”

what the hell
- Lindsay

I am serving a six-top that is thoroughly enjoying some chardonnay. I come over to the table and ask if I can get them some refills, to which they of course reply yes. Before I can go and get them new glasses, they began talking to me and asking me questions. “Have you heard of this and that, do you go to school, etc…” This goes on for a few minutes and then I see my manager coming over with a tray of salads for them. He sets it down and I begin passing out everybody’s salads while we continue chatting. After everybody has a salad one of the ladies looks at me and says, “ You forgot about our chardonnay.” I hadn’t even left the table and she was the one talking to me!

My last table on a Thursday night, 10 people all paying together,
slightly redneckish, but overall I thought it was going to be a pretty
good table (thanks to added gratuity). My one mistake was that I
didn’t realize I was the main redneck’s bitch for the night and was
not bringing him his Bud Light fast enough.

He went to the bar and complained that I was no where to be seen (I
was literally ten feet away from him cleaning off another table). I
put on my best server smile and got through the rest of the dinner.
When I give them the bill, they are obviously displeased. They start
screaming, I get my manager, and they proceed to hurl racial insults
(she’s Asian, oh, and pregnant) against her.

At this point, I’m done with the rudeness, and yell, “Get the fuck
out of the restaurant.” More heated comments are exchanged but they
finally pay (but not the gratuity) and I have never seen them since.
If I do, my foot will be shoved so far up that man’s ass he will be
able to lick my toenails.

I am paid to be your server, not your servant.
- Katrina

One saturday afternoon it was slow so i got sat with a table. I
greeted the table (while they werent talking) and was met with a hand
up from one of the guests. Then i said i would be right back they all
said thats better. I waited 3-4 minutes then came back and they asked
why it took so long to get greeted. I knew i was in for a treat at
this point. I then asked them if i could start them off with something
to drink coke, ice tea, one of our dozens of beers, or a martini. They
asked for corona and i politely told them we dont carry corona but we
carry dos equis and tecate. they got pissed and asked why we dont
carry corona. I told them we only carry beer on draft and corona does
not put their beer on draft and told them i felt bad for them because
corona is so popular. they asked me what i could do to accomidate them
since they had corona at our costa mesa locaton and called me a liar i
said tecate and dos equis are closest to corona. i got them the dos
equis and upon drinking they said it didnt taste anthing like corona
but ordered three more rounds. then came entree orders they asked for
fettuccine (after looking on the menu for 15 minutes) I told them we
didnt have fettuccine. they then asked what i could do for them i
suggested the pastas we do have on the menu if they felt like pasta i
told them the closest cream sauce we have to alfredo is our mac n
cheese but its still not alfredo. they then asked why they would spend
money on mac n cheese when they could make it at home. at this point i
had it and told them off. i told them ours has bacon, mushrooms,
chicken, panko bread crumbs and truffle oil.

me: we dont carry corona at ANY of our stores because its not on tap
they dont make it! so stop lying!
guest: how dare you!
me: and when i eat out and want fettuccine alfredo i go to an italian
restaurant!

one of the guests came up to bar top the next week. i saw them coming
in and poured a dos equis and upon them sitting down dropped off the
beer and asked them if they wanted some mac n cheese they then turned
red and walked right out!

While a student I once worked for a caterer on New Years Eve because I didn’t have a Honey and needed the Money.
Assigned 8 tables, I decided to work them from the closest point were the food was to the furthest point out.  Hey, it was methodical.
One chump at the furthest table wanted to know why his table was last to be served and I proceeded to explain my logic.  8 tables, 2 legs, you get the drift.
Clearly my explanation was not satisfactory as he continued to press me again and again as to why “HIS” table was last.
I ushered the New Year in vowing:
•       Never again suppress the desire to rip some asshole’s head off at a dinner table
•       NEVER again work on New Years Eve, even if I had to “rent” a date.
And to top it all off I made jack for the Night!!!

Ah the camel, one of the most annoying of all guests. No sooner have you set down their drink and watched them pound it like they have never had soda before, then you are on you way to get a refill, which of course is the most important thing you have to do at the moment. But the camel doesn’t consider the fact that you have other tables, and that if he slurps down his drink too fast it may be a few minutes before he can have another fix. But of course it is your fault that he doesn’t have any deliciousness 1 min after you have dropped off the 5th refill. There are two ways to deal with this ultra-consumer. 1, bring two refills at a time to try and give yourself a break (of course the camel never thinks to ask for 2 at a time, camels have very small brains you know). 2, punish the camel by making him wait extra long with nothing to quench his endless thirst. “Oh I am sorry camel, it had only been 30 seconds since I dropped off your last drink, I figured I had at least 2 minutes before you would be thirsty again.”