For some reason I have become a magnet for older people trying to sell me on pyramid scams. I was serving a table of two seniors during a big rush. They were very nice and everything was going well. As I was bringing their dessert and trying to take care of all my other tables, the old lady starts talking to me about “owning my own business”. She starts telling me about this great juice product and how you can make so much money etc etc. I try to be polite and get away but she just kept on talking. Finally she says, “You should talk to my partner. He made about a million dollars last year with this product. We could three way call you, but I need to know the best time for him to call. He is very busy, he has three ways all the time.” Hey that doesn’t sound so bad after all!

- The Magnet

My restaurant is in the middle of a crazy rush. I must have 8 tables, one being a party of 12. Of course, people just keep pouring in through the door expecting fast service. The hostess seats with me a party of 2 right next to my big party. The big party gets ice cream included in their meal, my favorite. As I am taking the order for the ice cream, I stop by the new table and tell the man and woman that I will be with them in a second, and that the hostess will get their drinks started for them. As I am passing out all of these ice creams, running my ass off, I watch as the hostess gets their drinks (2 waters) and gives them some bread to munch on. I return to their table no more than 5 minutes since they have been seated and ask how they are doing. “Hungry.” says the woman in a sarcastic and bitchy tone. Great they are pissed. I get their order put in, (the lady only orders a salad, she must be starving) and the guy gets chicken or something. I check back with them but they haven’t touched their waters or bread and say that they don’t need anything. Keep in mind that they have a front row seat to watch me scurry around the restaurant with all my other tables. Their food is ready really quick and I drop it off and ask if there is anything else I can get for them. They do not respond and just look at me like I am an asshole so I leave. By the end of their meal they still have not touched their drinks and they do not need boxes. I drop the check and then watch as the man goes over to talk to my manager. I couldn’t believe it. He actually complained that the hostess (who got them everything they needed right away while they were waiting) was very rude to them and that I was “the most inattentive waiter he had ever seen”. Then he stiffed me. Haha! What the hell do you want me to do when you don’t drink your water or touch your fucking bread??? That was the best service you ever got in your life dick!

- Mr. Inattentive

It is a busy Friday night, our waiting room is packed and we have a 40 minute wait. In the middle of the rush this lady walks in, completely ignores the hostess, and makes a mad dash toward one of our only open booths. “Excuse me miss,” I say trying to be polite, “we actually have a wait for a booth.” She looks at me like I am crazy and says, “But I want this booth.” Ummmm. “I understand that miss, but there is a wait for a booth.” “But I want this one.” “Oh you want this one? Well guess what, all those people in that room want it too. You have to wait like everybody else.” She looked at me like this was the first time anybody had ever spoken to her like that in her life. I loved it.

- The Regulator

During a really crazy rush I get sat with a party of 2. They are super nice and polite. Everything is going wrong in the restaurant. Tickets are not printing, things are getting mixed up, computers are down, no busser, it is a nightmare. Anyway, this nice couple patiently waits for there dinner, 2 lasagnas, and I see one of the other staff members running it out as I am getting slammed with more and more tables. I go over to the table a minute or two after the food is dropped to make sure everything is ok. I look down and see that there is only one lasagna on the table. I turn to the husband and ask if there was something wrong with his plate. “I never got it, the girl who brought the food gave it to that table right next to us.” I turn around and watch as his lasagna is being ravaged by an apparently very hungry lady. Great. I apologize and tell him that I will get a plate out to him ASAP. My lovely hostess brings him another plate. He asks for a side of Tabasco which she also grabs for him. I watch from afar as I am running around like a chicken with no head. I approach the table again to see how everything is tasting. I look down in horror at the man’s lasagna to see it covered with an obscene amount of Tabasco sauce. Oh no. “What happened?” The man shakes his head and says, “I went to put a few dashes of sauce on my food but apparently there is no topper, it dumped half the bottle onto my meal.” This is going to be a long night.

- J

During a rush I am sat with a party of three older folks (surprising I know). They are all very nice and I take their drink order. I come back to the table to find them in the middle of a discussion. “Lets ask him,” I hear the old gentleman say as I am approaching. “Ask me what?” The man gets a smirk on his face and says, “Well we were just talking about virgin olive oil and wondering how you can defile an olive so that it isn’t a virgin.” Everybody at the table is chuckling, waiting to see my reaction. I start laughing as well and say, “Well I don’t know off the top of my head, but I do have one idea. It would only take me about 5 minutes, but I don’t want to ruin your appetite with the details.” The entire table erupts with laughter and I walk away victorious. Dirty? Yes. Inappropriate? Definitely. Get a fat tip out of it? You know it!

- Drew