I am sat with a party of four and after asking them what they would like to drink (which took awhile) I returned to get their dinner order. As the table is giving me orders, one of the men at the table turns to his wife and says, “Are you going to get the fish?” The lady turns to me and says, “No. I am going to have something lite. I will have the Fettucini Alfredo and the Sausage and Lentil soup.”

- Jenny Craig

I walk up to what looked liked a party of 2, but when I got there I
was surprised to see a 3 year old sucking on her mothers tit! I saw it
because her mother chose not to use a blanket to cover herself. After
a few moments of awkwardness, I asked if I could get them something to
drink. The mother orders water, then looks down at her daughter and
asks what she would like to drink. The child stops sucking on her
mothers tit to look up at me and tell me she would like a pink
lemonade to drink. Awesome!!!

- Naomi

During a really crazy rush I get sat with a party of 2. They are super nice and polite. Everything is going wrong in the restaurant. Tickets are not printing, things are getting mixed up, computers are down, no busser, it is a nightmare. Anyway, this nice couple patiently waits for there dinner, 2 lasagnas, and I see one of the other staff members running it out as I am getting slammed with more and more tables. I go over to the table a minute or two after the food is dropped to make sure everything is ok. I look down and see that there is only one lasagna on the table. I turn to the husband and ask if there was something wrong with his plate. “I never got it, the girl who brought the food gave it to that table right next to us.” I turn around and watch as his lasagna is being ravaged by an apparently very hungry lady. Great. I apologize and tell him that I will get a plate out to him ASAP. My lovely hostess brings him another plate. He asks for a side of Tabasco which she also grabs for him. I watch from afar as I am running around like a chicken with no head. I approach the table again to see how everything is tasting. I look down in horror at the man’s lasagna to see it covered with an obscene amount of Tabasco sauce. Oh no. “What happened?” The man shakes his head and says, “I went to put a few dashes of sauce on my food but apparently there is no topper, it dumped half the bottle onto my meal.” This is going to be a long night.

- J

During a rush I am sat with a party of three older folks (surprising I know). They are all very nice and I take their drink order. I come back to the table to find them in the middle of a discussion. “Lets ask him,” I hear the old gentleman say as I am approaching. “Ask me what?” The man gets a smirk on his face and says, “Well we were just talking about virgin olive oil and wondering how you can defile an olive so that it isn’t a virgin.” Everybody at the table is chuckling, waiting to see my reaction. I start laughing as well and say, “Well I don’t know off the top of my head, but I do have one idea. It would only take me about 5 minutes, but I don’t want to ruin your appetite with the details.” The entire table erupts with laughter and I walk away victorious. Dirty? Yes. Inappropriate? Definitely. Get a fat tip out of it? You know it!

- Drew

I am really busy and I get sat with a party of two, while getting sat with 3 other tables. Great. It is an older man and woman and they are not the most friendly of people. The hostess tells them that I am really busy and gets their drinks for them. I come by like 4 minutes later. “Hey folks, how are you doing today?” They give me the look of death. “Hungary.” “Well, thanks for being patient, as you can see we are really really busy. What can I get for you.?” The lady orders a caesar salad, and the guy gets a lasagna. I offer them bread, which they decline. There food takes the average amount of time, and when I bring it out they are pissed. “Thanks,” they say without making eye contact, “Took long enough.” Yeah whatever asshole. I make sure they have everything, the lady has never touched her water, the guys doesn’t want another beer, they just want to be left alone. After they are done they complain to the manager that the hostess was rude to them, I ignored them and didn’t get them everything they needed (which was nothing), and that their food took to long. Oh, and they stiffed me.

- Jon

One lunch shift I was sat with a party of 2. They came in, ordered two waters, asked for bread before I could say my name, got two side salads, ate about 10 bread rolls each, sat in my booth for an hour,  and stiffed me. What the fuck is wrong with people??

- John

A few nights ago I was at “mystery restaurant” working and I noticed my section and the girl’s section next to me had cleared out all at the same time even though it was still pretty busy. As I went up to the desk to see what was up, I saw the host coming toward our section with a huge group of people and realized they were seating one huge party separately in our sections. When he sat them (a party of 25), I asked him why they sat them like that, he replied, “because the host of the party requested it so she would not be charged with gratuity (18%).” As I turned around to see 4 of my tables sat and 5 of hers sat at the same time, I realized there is nothing worse than knowing you are gonna be fucked over on your tip before you even start serving the table. This is gonna be a looooong night.

-Conz

I approach my party of two ladies. I introduce myself and ask if they have any questions about the menu. “Hmm, I don’t know,” says one lady, “everything just looks so good. I am starving!” I recommend a couple dishes and go grab their drinks. I return to the table fairly certain that the ladies are going to order some of the dishes that I suggested, which should make for a nice little check. I set down the drinks and one of the ladies looks inquisitively at me and says, “how is your ranch dressing?” The wind in my sails instantly vanishes. “Well it is a pretty standard ranch dressing, nothing too special.” “Mmm that sounds really good, I will have the soup and salad.” Fuck. I turn, defeated, to the other lady at the table and wince as she says, “I will have the same thing.” God why are you going out to dinner? As I turn to walk away, thinking that it couldn’t get any worse, I hear an awful sound. “Can we get some bread?”

- Blair

I am working my way around a party of 12 taking their orders for dinner. I approach one guy and he says, “I will have the filet with the scalloped potatoes, can I get extra scallops in that?” Thankfully I didn’t have to explain to him that he was a moron because right after his request the guy sitting next to him turns his head and says, “you’re a dumbass!” 

- Sid

Today I got sat with a party of four. As they were getting sat I asked them if I could get them anything to drink. “I will just have a water,” says one lady, “you know what, I am going to spend some money today. I will have a glass of white zinfandel.” The wine costs 2 dollars.

- Jack