So I get sat this table of 6 women tonight and I think I’ve hit the
jackpot! They look like just the kind of women who are gonna sit there
and get drunk, order maybe $150 worth of sushi, and leave me a nice
hefty tip.

But… upon looking at them more carefully, I realize that one of them
is a hated customer of mine. I hadn’t recognized her at first because
I had never seen her in the place without her husband. Let’s just say
that this woman is very nice and polite, but she runs me like a
treadmill, like to unbelievable proportions, and her husband tips me
10% at the most. So one night when they came in I decided “fuck it”…
and I was incredibly rude to them. Rude enough that now every time
they come in they request NOT to be seated in my section.

So tonight I figure that I am screwed with these ladies if this one
woman decides to blow it for me, which I have a very strong feeling
she will. And she does. I just know it. Because when I sat these
ladies all seemed right with the world. But upon bringing out their
appetizers, their attitudes have changed. And I just KNOW that in my
absence this blonde bitch has poisoned these women to me. I get so
pissed. I run into the kitchen fuming, throwing words like “cunt,
ho-bag, bitch ass whore dog” around, sounding like a paranoid weirdo
to my coworkers who can’t seem to see the problem. And of course I
can’t exactly explain the problem either but I still TRY, sounding
like a loony all the while.

Anyway, the poison-mouthed lady pulls her same old shit, as usual.
Smiles at me all sugary sweet as she runs me back and forth and back
and forth throughout their meal.

Finally, something totally unexpected happens. I am in the back
filling soda’s, out of view of the floor but still within earshot…
and I hear this laughter coming from that table of ladies. And then I
hear these magic words ring forth from the giggles “The waitress isn’t
MEAN, Sheila! You’re just ANNOYING!!!” And they’re all cracking up,
including annoying Sheila. I can’t stop smiling, and I thank my lucky
stars that I had still given this table the respect they deserved,
despite my belief that it was lost cause (tip wise). I run into the
kitchen to try and validate my previous temper tantrum, but of course
no one understands.

Anyway, this is just a reminder to all of us to stay on the right
track… even when a lost cause is staring you in the face. They left
me a 20% tip, by the way.

- At Your Service

One night I was blessed to have a table with some very attractive ladies. Always a plus. They were really flirty and I felt I was doing a good job (not only on the tip but maybe a number too). They enjoyed everything and at the end of the meal they decided to have some coffee. I brought the coffee cups over and began chatting with the girl on the end while pouring the coffee. I was pulling out all my best waiter material and making her laugh. Just when I thought everything was going perfect I noticed that I had been overflowing her cup all over the table while I sat there laughing like an idiot and thinking I was smooth. Needless to say I didn’t get that number.

- Smooth Operator

So it’s my first table of the day and, as usual, I start the day in a
fun and perky mood. I went to great the table of 4 sitting in the bar
and say, “Hi ladies! Can I start you with something to drink while you
look at the menus?” And then I actually take a closer look at the
guests and one happens to be a man. So then I backtrack with, “Oh, I’m
sorry sir.” Only to have her tell me that she IS a woman and she would
like to speak to a manager about my sexist comments…FML…

- Roger

I have been in the service industry for six years and I have had some
very nasty tables. But this one really sticks out in my head. I was
working a morning shift and just after the lunch rush I get a two-top
of middle-aged ladies. I walk over to greet them and before I can
properly introduce myself, one of the ladies yells out, “Please, I am
dying of thirst can you run and grab me a water?” The other lady
quickly spits out she wants an ice tea. I grab their drinks and am
setting them down in front of them not 15 seconds later. The lady who
orders the water then says, “Oh thank you, you are a life savior. I
love you…. I bet your mom never told you that.” I was dumbfounded
and with a very hard edge in my voice (mom is deceased) said, “EXCUSE
ME?!” She didn’t look back at me and started a conversation with her
friend. I left the table and had a co-worker take it. I went out back
to smoke to stop myself from losing it.

- Joe

My table of two ladies has just finished eating. I approach the table with a smile on my face and say, “Do you ladies want to finish up with any chocolate cake or tiramisu for dessert?” They look at each other horrified for about 5 seconds and then one lady turns to me and says, “we don’t want any German Soup!” I had to walk away cuz I was laughing too hard.

- Dan

I get to work and am immediately sat with a party of 5 old bitchy ladies. My favorite. “Hi, how are you ladies doing today?” “Water,” one lady says to me as if I am sub-human. “And my name is Danny, I will be taking care of you.” “We are going to need 5 separate checks.” “Ok, but it is going to take a little longer at the end when I have to split those all up.” “No its not.” Wow, I hate these bitches. “Right, well anyway, it is.” So after trying to get their drink orders, one lady said yes to every single drink that I mentioned, I get everything put in and try to avoid them like the plague. After dinner I separate their checks, but needing a little revenge I put 5 split checks in one check book, and also give them 4 more with nothing in them. The look on their faces was priceless. The funny thing is, instead of pissing them off it made them laugh and they tipped me good! Not quite the effect I was hoping for but I will take it!

- Danny