I was on the front patio with 5 tables sat and all needing random
items; dessert menus, coffee, A GREET. Any who, I had this table with
3 women that were needy as FUCk! First of all when they sat down one
of the ladies said”its cold out here can you turn up the heater”.In my
head Im thinking” didn’t you just walk from outside to inside to get a
table then DECIDE to sit outside, the 2 other broads managed to bring
jackets”.Fast forwarding to them getting food, another server that
dropped food to thier table said “Sloan your table 323 (table in
question) SUCKS!!!”DUH I said. When it got to the end of thier
experience they needed a box for their dessert, well guess what, my 4
other tables needed shit too, so I decided they were going to wait
seeing as how I just finished doing 3 errands for their table.BAD
IDEA. Apparently they went to the front desk and spoke with the
hostess. While they were speaking, I interupted to tell them ” ladies
i’m so sorry for the wait, THANK YOU so much for your pateience I
really apprciate it, let me take your payment right away”!I brought it
back right away and the 2 ladies smiled. Apparently they told the
hostess, the service was GOOD and I got everything they needed but my
smile was kinda fake. She got a manager and I had already continued
with fetching for other tables. I went to the back and saw the ladies
still standing there so I said “Oh my gosh ladies, did I forget
something, is there something else I can get you?” the lady said “NO
WERE DONE WITH YOU” My mouth dropped as she WAIVED me away with her
hand.

You’ve have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME BITCH!!!! Your telling me I
got you everything you needed AND FUCKING smiled and you complained!
HOLY SHIT strike me dead. Newsflash bitch! Every server’s smile is
FAKE because ALL of us hate serving!!!

If the economy wasn’t so bad, that was the perfect opportunity and
situation to tell that BITCH TO GO FUCK HERSELF, but unfortunetly I
have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again!
- Sloanster

One of the most awkward situations a server can find themselves in is having to return to a table and explain that the guest’s credit card was declined. I always try to break the news gently, but without fail the moronic customer always thinks it is my fault that their card isn’t working. One busy night I was faced with this wonderful situation. A very business-like lady at one of my tables demanded to pay the check. I walked over to the computer and slid her card…..DECLINED. Knowing that she was going to be pissed off about this, I slid it again….DECLINED. I then tried keying in all of the information……DECLINED. Ok, I did all I could. I walk back over to the table and quietly tell the lady that the “machine doesn’t like her card”, and ask if she has another one I could try. She instantly gets pissed. “What do you mean it doesn’t like my card!!??” Great, so much for being discrete. “Well miss, I tried running it a few different ways, and it is being declined.” She looks up at me, turning red. “Well you are probably doing it wrong.” “Miss, I run about 30 cards a night, I think I have the hang of it.” This doesn’t make her happy at all. Instead of just paying cash, or giving me a different card, she calls her credit card company and gets into a heated discussion with them in front of her entire table! She keeps saying, “I have plenty of cash! This is bullshit!” I disappear for about ten minutes and come back when she has calmed down, slightly. She keeps making a scene and her guests look thoroughly embarrassed. Finally she just pays cash… .and tips me like shit because it was my fault her card got declined! Thanks bitch!

- Kristen

Image via Wikipedia

I have just dropped off food for my tables, one old guy and two picky ass ladies. As I am doing something on one of the computers, the old asshole starts waving his arms up and down at me like the place was on fire. I guess that means he wants me to come over there, prick. Anyway, I go over to the table and the lady points to her dish and says, “there is a lot of tomatoes in my pasta.” She had ordered marinara sauce, which is made of tomatoes! “Well miss,” I stammer as I try to take her complaint seriously, “um you ordered a marinara sauce, and those pieces of tomatoes you are pulling out are part of the sauce.” “Well it wasn’t like this last time I was here when I got the marinara sauce,” she says like a total biotch. “Well I am sorry about that, but we have been using the same marinara sauce for a long time, and this is what it looks like.” “But there are so many tomatoes in it, can I get a marinara with no tomatoes?” MARINARA IS MADE OF TOMATOES BITCH!!!!!!

- Danny

This lady freaked out the other day when she was the last person to
have her check taken care of at the end of the night. Like she really
freaked out almost to the point of tears. “But why am I last? Why am I
last??”

Someones has to be last, right? What a bitch.

- The Bitchy Waiter

www.thebitchywaiter.com

I get to work and am immediately sat with a party of 5 old bitchy ladies. My favorite. “Hi, how are you ladies doing today?” “Water,” one lady says to me as if I am sub-human. “And my name is Danny, I will be taking care of you.” “We are going to need 5 separate checks.” “Ok, but it is going to take a little longer at the end when I have to split those all up.” “No its not.” Wow, I hate these bitches. “Right, well anyway, it is.” So after trying to get their drink orders, one lady said yes to every single drink that I mentioned, I get everything put in and try to avoid them like the plague. After dinner I separate their checks, but needing a little revenge I put 5 split checks in one check book, and also give them 4 more with nothing in them. The look on their faces was priceless. The funny thing is, instead of pissing them off it made them laugh and they tipped me good! Not quite the effect I was hoping for but I will take it!

- Danny

During a rush of seniors I am sat with a party of two. They are regulars and really nice people. The only problem with their table is that 15 minutes after they are sat, another couple that everybody hates (including the two nice people at the table) come in and join them. This happens every time without fail. So, about 15 minutes later the stupid couple come in and sit down. I already know what they want to drink, so I just bring it out to them. The old guy has a glass of pinot noir, and the old lady has hot tea. At this moment, we are out of teaspoons, so I give the lady a soup spoon with her tea. “Um, excuse me but can I have a teaspoon?” “You know what, I am sorry but we are out of those right now.” “But I really prefer to use a teaspoon.” What is the fucking difference I want to say, but think better of it. “Sorry, but we don’t have any clean right now, I guess you will have to make due with the spoon that I gave you.” “Oh, well ok. I guess I will just have to bring some from home next time.” Are you fucking kidding me? Can you not stir your stupid tea with regular fucking spoon? Its not the end of the world you crazy bitch. So now that I have decided I will be ignoring that half of the table, one of the hostesses runs out their soup for me. She comes up to me and says “the lady on table 34 wants a teaspoon….” Fuck me.

- Scott

I had a table of uh….a…certain crowd we all know. 4 ladies all sharing one raspberry lemonade AND they were mad that we didn’t give free cheesecake for their supposed b-day celebration. Anyway, we didn’t get along too well and they left me $1 which I promptly returned….and got fired

-Nicki

I was serving a party 4, two older couples, and we were getting very
busy in the restaurant. We had a party of 30 out on the patio, so food
was taking forever. I went up to this table and apologized for the
food taking so long and explained to them that we have a party of 30
on the patio and unfortunately their order was put in before theirs.
So one of the jackasses says, Oh its ok you can just buy us a round of
drinks. With a fake ass smile on my face, I said well I cant do that,
but I can probably get you a free dessert on the house. Sooooo, of
course when they are finished eating, I forget about the comment I had
made earlier, and asked if they would like to look at a dessert menu.
And the bitch at the table says, Well YA! Since its on the house!!
Fucking pissed now, I go get the goddamn dessert menu, they order a
carrot cake, get the carrot cake, drop off the check to see a 10%
coupon on the table, of course why wouldn’t they have a coupon! I have
the manager take the 10% off for them on top of their free dessert and
discover my $8 tip on a $96 bill!

- Naomi

I am the manager at a restaurant. We usually close at 9 pm, but since we had been so dead I made a managerial decision (and I wanted to go home) and decided to close ten minutes early. I turn off the sign and lock the front door. At 8:54 somebody begins pounding on the front door, obnoxiously. Figuring it was somebody who worked there I went and opened it. I am greeted by a fat old bitch who instantly says, “You are open till 9.” I hate her. “I am sorry miss, we have been so slow that we closed early, I can get you some food to go if you would like.” She then takes out her cell phone and shows me the time, as if I don’t already know. “You close at 9, it is only 8:54.” “Yes, we do close at 9, but as I explained it was so slow that we closed early. Do you want anything to go?” She stares at me and says to me in a cold voice, “Are you the owner?” I am a 24 year old man, who looks like he is about 19 when I shave, but somehow I must have started this restaurant back in the 70′s. “No, but I am the MANAGER.” She looks over at her fat husband who is practically sleeping in the front seat of the car and asks if he wants anything to go. He sluggishly shakes his head back and forth in what must have been a no. “I am going to call and complain about this.” Oh no, that means she will call my superiors, complain that we didn’t keep our restaurant fully staffed to serve two people when we were already closed, they will tell her to shut the fuck up, and she will still come back anyway. Who the hell comes in right when a restaurant is closing and expects to be seated? A dumb fat bitch.

- Mark

No matter how long you have worked at your job, or how much experience you may have, there is always going to be that one customer who thinks they know best. I approached a table tonight and they immediately ordered their entrees and dessert at the same time. Why would they order these at the same time one would ask? Because of course I would never give them a chance to order dessert later. The woman ordered a dessert selection we do not nor have ever offered in the past 6 years I have worked for the company. I immediately let her know we did not offer that selection and gave her some other options.  She began to get upset because she was absolutely sure we had her dessert she requested. I again let her know that in fact we did not have it. At this point she said, “I’ll just go get that from the front myself then.” Imagine my delight as I spied on her while she approached our cashier and watched the cashier shake her head no in response to her request. The woman walked back to the table with a sour look on her face and would not make eye contact with me for the rest of the meal. Needless to say she passed on dessert.

I’m a hostess who serves on occasion. It was a slow Saturday
afternoon and so far I had only had about 3 tables total. Great, like
I get to do this very often. Next thing you know a few regular
customers come in; an elderly couple and their son. Now mind you, they
are a big pain in the ass kind of table, but I was next to get sat and
at this point I was finding myself a little desperate. How bad could
it be?

Anyways, I got them settled with drinks and some bread. Even though I
had never actually served them before, they come in so often that I
already knew what they were going to order. I found myself surprised
when the mom decided she wanted Lasagna, instead of the white wine
clams. Even her husband and son said, “Are you sure that’s what
you want?” she replied with, “Yes I want to get something
different for a change!”

I put in there order, chatted with them for a little bit (even though
it probably wouldn’t do any good considering they tip like shit),
and check on my one other table of campers (who also tipped like
shit).

Finally their food was done, I ran it out to them and the mom looked
at me like I was a complete idiot.

“That’s not what I ordered” she said. I said, “Yes it is, you
ordered the lasagna, remember?” “No I ordered the clams!” she
snapped. Okay, now I remember on an earlier occasion that her husband
had said something about her being in the early stages of
Alzheimer’s. I thought does she really not remember ordering this
like twenty minutes ago or is she just fucking with me?

Both her husband and son looked at her and then looked at me. They
both tried to explain to her that she, in fact, ordered the lasagna
this time.

“Well I don’t want that, I want clams.” She said. “ooookay,
do you want me to box this up for you and I can ring in the clams
right now?” I said, trying to fix it. “Yes, yes. Fine.” She
said.

Well, by then her husband was pissed. He started yelling at her
saying, “NO YOU EAT WHAT YOU ORDERED! I’M NOT PAYING FOR TWO
MEALS” and she yelled back with something like, “I’LL ORDER WHAT
I WANT, YOU DON’T SPEAK FOR ME!!!” Then to me: “GO PUT IN THE
CLAMS!”

I put in the clams; I brought them out, everything seemed all right.

So a few minutes passed and I got a few more tables. I was no longer
worrying about my table of pain in the ass regulars. Next thing you
know, she calls my name from across the restaurant.

I walked over there, the first thing I noticed is that her clams are
all gone, and then I see she is holding up a short, grey strand of
hair.

You have got to be kidding me.

“I found this in my clams” she said. I am not in the mood anymore
so I simply replied with, “That is your hair.” “No it’s not,
it is your hair!!” she said back to me. I have long brown hair; I
couldn’t believe she was even trying to argue this!

“I want the clams taken off the bill” she said. “I’ll go get
the manager for you.” I said.

The clams were taken off the bill. You can keep your $2.80 tip next
time, Bitch.

- Princess Consuela Banana Hammock