I am sat with a party of four and after asking them what they would like to drink (which took awhile) I returned to get their dinner order. As the table is giving me orders, one of the men at the table turns to his wife and says, “Are you going to get the fish?” The lady turns to me and says, “No. I am going to have something lite. I will have the Fettucini Alfredo and the Sausage and Lentil soup.”

- Jenny Craig

The restaurant that I work at has this really obnoxious older man that comes in with his wife almost every day. She is really nice and he is completely out of control. Every time they sit down he makes his way to the bar and “discreetly” drinks wine. He gets a separate check and everything. He then wonders back to his poor wife as if nothing has happened, hootin and hollerin at everybody that passes by. One night I was blessed with the lovely gentleman (for about the 3rd time in a row). He was relatively well behaved (only one secret glass of wine) and orders his meal without a fuss. The salad course is uneventful and it is now time for the main course. As I approach the table with their plates I discover that he is on the phone, and sounding extremely polite. “Yes this message is for John. Hey John its Bill and Betty from church and I just wanted to say thank you so much and if you could please give us a call when you get a chance that would be great and god bless and BLAH BLAH BLAH!” CLICK. Yes, he actually said BLAH BLAH BLAH and hung up, right in the middle of his really nice message. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I set down his plate and ask him if he would like any cheese grated on top. “I don’t want any of that crap!” he yells. “Right. Enjoy your meal.” “Oh thanks so much bro, we really appreciate the great service. You take such good care of us man”.  The guy is ridiculous.

- B

Ok so I work at an italian resturant and for our dinner crowd, we
don’t sell a lot of coffee, we sell more wine and margaritas and such.
Well I had my first decaf drinker of the shift so of course I had to
make a new pot of coffee since we don’t premake the decaf. ( we would
end up throwing the whole thing out normally) Well everything’s fine I
get her the coffee. At the end of the meal she asks for another cup of
coffee. Problem number 1: Since I’m a new server to the company I’m
only allowed a 3 table section…and one of my tables is going to sit
there for an hour after they pay and just talk… Thanks ladies…
Problem 2: I walk back up to the table and ask if everything’s ok. The
lady tells me that her coffee is way too strong… Um, lady its the
same coffee you just had 20 minutes ago… I just went back to the
station poured her a new cup of the exact same coffee, put a bit of
hot water in it and gave it back to her. Apparently she was satisfied
and I ended up with an 18% tip. All in an night’s work…

- Bri

I own a restaurant. I believe it would be considered a dive. Not fancy, small, lots of regulars, and I wait tables. We are located in a small town that is perceived by most to be full of rich people. Consequently, we have to deal with the occassional pre-madonna.

We had a famous chef come in one day. I was so excited that while on a delivery, I was telling my customer all about it. One of his customers overheard and a little while later, she and her (much younger) husband were at my shop.

They ordered and then told me all about how she had so much money and a mansion that she lost in a storm. Now she and her new husband were struggling to deal with living in a 4 bedroom townhome near the beach. She was slightly dramatic but that made her story very colorful. I listened and felt bad for what they had been through. I have family that lost almost everything in the same storm.

They were paying their bill and she was complimenting our food and our conversation. I was thanking them for their visit and she said, “Well, when I get back to the hotel, I’m going to let them know that we went slumming and found that you are a gem!”

LOL I thanked her for her kindness and remain completely amused that someone would think that “going slumming” can be made a compliment. LOL

- Monica

I have been in the service industry for six years and I have had some
very nasty tables. But this one really sticks out in my head. I was
working a morning shift and just after the lunch rush I get a two-top
of middle-aged ladies. I walk over to greet them and before I can
properly introduce myself, one of the ladies yells out, “Please, I am
dying of thirst can you run and grab me a water?” The other lady
quickly spits out she wants an ice tea. I grab their drinks and am
setting them down in front of them not 15 seconds later. The lady who
orders the water then says, “Oh thank you, you are a life savior. I
love you…. I bet your mom never told you that.” I was dumbfounded
and with a very hard edge in my voice (mom is deceased) said, “EXCUSE
ME?!” She didn’t look back at me and started a conversation with her
friend. I left the table and had a co-worker take it. I went out back
to smoke to stop myself from losing it.

- Joe

Now I have been in the food industry for six years. I feel as if I
could write a small novel on horrible tables. And I can proudly say
that I have never spit or messed with any customers food. Not saying
that the temptation has never arose. This one was particularly hard
not to mess with. I was serving a table of twelve in a secluded area
of the restaurant, nine adults and three kids. I walked over to greet
them and get their drink order thinking its not so bad, the kids are
all sitting down and being quite, maybe this will go smoothly. I got
all of their drinks and came back with a sense of comfort and ease
considering the kids haven’t said anything. I ask the table if they
would like any appetizers. The ring-leader was one of the parents and
asked if we had mozzarella sticks. I apologized and said that we don’t
carry them anymore. She turns to her child and apologizes, the kid
just loses it. Screaming, laying on the floor and kicking, the whole
nine yards. The mom lets the kid just lay there and wail. Even though
we were in a secluded part of the restaurant, the whole place could
hear it. Eventually the kid calms down and goes back to his chair. I
put all the orders in, check a few other tables and go back to see if
they need any refills. The kids chair happens to be at the head of the
table where I stand next to so everyone can see me. Before I can ask
about refills, the kid stands up, and at the top of his voice screams
in my ear demanding his mozzarella sticks. The mom doesn’t do a thing.
After 2 minutes of trying to get away from the kid, who follows me
around the table still screaming as I try to ascertain who needs
refills, I walk up to the mom and say with a very cheesy smile, “If
you do not control your child you will be told to leave.” (Perks of
being a head server is not having to deal with going through the chain
of command for permission to do this.)
The mother apologizes and sets her kid straight in ten seconds. She
apologized again and said she would compensate me for the trouble.
Everything else went smoothly for there on out. They receive the
check, leave cash on the table and head out. Check, 170 bucks.
Tip…20.

- Joe

So my immediate supervisor was working a shift last night and he had a
couple of people walk in right before closing and just order dessert.
One guy was dressed as a woman. When my supervisor (who I have to
admit is pretty cute, but straight as a poolstick) picked up the check
there was no tip but there was a phone number at the bottom of the
credit card receipt. he had written “call me”, then crossed it out and
said “text me”, his phone number and “you’re cute”, and there was a
lipstick kiss on it. The next day we all see the receipt up on our
board along with an explanation “Support the gay community, that means
more girls for us!”

- Brianna

It is the end of a busy Tuesday night. We are closed and cleaning up the restaurant and finishing up our side work when the phone rings. I pick it up and am greeted by a slightly intoxicated “gentleman”. “Are you guys still open for delivery?” “No sir I am sorry. We are actually closed.” “Closed? Really? What time do you close?” mumbles this strange guy. “We close at 9 Sunday- Thursday and 10 on Friday and Saturday.” “Well why aren’t you guys open?” The guy sounds so genuinely confused and drunk that I can hardly stop myself from laughing. “Because we close at 9 sir.” “Wait a minute…what day is today?” “Today is Tuesday.” “Oh. Aw man, I thought today was Saturday.” This guy sounded like he was partying as if it was Saturday, no wonder he got confused. “Haha, its ok sir. You keep your good night going.”

- Never Snow

I had an 8-top one Sunday afternoon and we are slammed as usual since
there is a large church next door which just let out. They aren’t all
that pleasant, really needy actually. There’s lots of extra butter,
extra dressing, more rolls, more butter, etc wanted. Eventually they
order desserts, the smartass preteen girl hollars her order out before
I can finish listing the whole dessert menu. The rest hem and haw and
I finally get orders for 6 desserts. Meanwhile I am sat with a three,
a regular table everyone hates because they are so needy and send
stuff back all the time while wearing these huge fake smiles. They are
another post altogether. I get them set up and deliver food at my
other 3-top, and they need various condiments right away to accompany
their meals so I run back and get that. I then am ready to make all of
these desserts (we have to make them ourselves where I work. none are
really difficult, just annoying when you’re busy). I start with the
easy stuff, slices of pie from the reach-in. Well we are out of two of
the three kinds that I need. I go back the the walk in for a new whole
pie, have to cut them and plate what i need. Then it’s back to the
walk-in for slices of cheesecake since the reach-in doesn’t stay cold
enough to keep the cheesecake there or some shit I’m told. One piece
of pie has been warmed in the microwave, i put ice cream on it and I’m
out the door to find some clean utensils from where they are rolling
silverware. I feel like everything has taken forever, i had to run
here for that and there for this. From the time the 8top ordered the 6
desserts it had probably been about 10-15 minutes. Longer than i would
have liked, but not tragic, especially since people who order dessert
*theoretically* shouldn’t be in a hurry, and I was busy as they could
clearly see. I come around the corner from getting clean utensils,
before my section can see me, and my coworker says “yeeeah, i don’t
know if they are gonna want those….” I walk around the corner to see
them starting to stand up and put on coats. I hear someone say they
didn’t want to keep waiting and just want the bill. I go up to the
section with the tray, I am livid at this point. The one cow, I mean,
lady asks “what took so long?!?!?” As calmly as possible i reply “I
have to make all of these myself and take care of my other customers
also. No one wanted theirs boxed up, they all just wanted their bills.
I could hardly add them up (ours are handwritten) i was so pissed.
This table stuffed their guts for an hour, then just had to have
another 500 calories piled on top but wanted it to appear like magic.
They never said they were in a hurry, i am guessing they realized
nascar was about to start or something. My manager asked what happened
and he just shrugs and says ‘well, its not your fault.’ So i boxed
myself up some cherry cheesecake to enjoy later. I’ll be sure to thank
those people next time, since their faces are etched in my memory.

-Karen

I walk up to what looked liked a party of 2, but when I got there I
was surprised to see a 3 year old sucking on her mothers tit! I saw it
because her mother chose not to use a blanket to cover herself. After
a few moments of awkwardness, I asked if I could get them something to
drink. The mother orders water, then looks down at her daughter and
asks what she would like to drink. The child stops sucking on her
mothers tit to look up at me and tell me she would like a pink
lemonade to drink. Awesome!!!

- Naomi