I was bartending yesterday and two men sat down at the bar. They
ordered some beers and tacos and as I was reaching down into the
cooler one of the guys says ‘ Ya know you have a tight little ass but
you gotta do something about that gut.’ Apparently he thought that was
funny and completly okay to say to a person. I started to cry. I tried
really hard to suck it up but the tears started streaming down my
face. He then starts yelling at me! Hysterically screaming that I’m
making him look like a huge asshole and he doesn’t have to deal with a
stupid bartenders crap, etc etc etc. All the while the tears are
flowing and my mouth is hanging open in shock. He took off without
paying or leaving a tip. Nice guy!

- Barbie

I had a couple on my table last night. Typical, nothing out of the
ordinary. 2 waters, a martini and a beer nothing special. WE have 3
kinds of cesar salads. A side cesar, an appetizer cesar salad and an
entree cesar salad. The guy ordered an “APPETIZER cesar
salad”…(those were his exact words) and a pasta and a burger. When
they were done he ordered 2 cheesecakes one to go and one with a box
on the side. I drop the check and on my way to pick it up when i see
him sitting there waiting for me with the check presenter open. (You
know what that means, he wants something for free,,,FUCK)So apparently
the APPETIZER cesar salad was not what he wanted because that one was
8.95. He explained that he REALLY wanted the side cesar that was only
3.95. I said ok well you ordred the APPETIZER cesar salad and ate it.
And he said…..(the fucking nerve of this guy) “yeah but don;t you
have a cesar thats only 4 dollars or something thats the one we
wanted, we didnt even finish the one you brought”. NOW GOOD PEOPLE OF
AMERICAN, SINCE WHEN CAN YOU GO TO A FUCKING RESTURANT AND ORDER A
DISH, EAT WHAT YOU WANT AND IF YOU DIDNT EAT ENOUGH OF THE DISH, THEN
THEY WILL ONLY CHARGE YOU FOR WHAT YOU EAT. I wanted to tell this
piece of shit to GROW UP!!! I said “well what would you like me to do
SIR???? He said “can you only charge me for the side cesar, as you saw
we didn’t even eat the other one”. I ROLLED my eyes in his face and
grabbed the check presenter. He said OH WAIT and I have these coupons
for FREE cheesecakes.I took them and handed back one of them and said
you can only use one of these at a time……Here we go again!! WHY he
asked. I turned it over and said SEE HERE WHERE IT SAYS NOT TO BE USED
IN CONJUNCTION WITH ANY OTHER DISCOUNT OR OFFER,thats where it says
that!!! He said WHY can’t I use it, I said I just told you. Then he
handed me a gift card for 50 dollars so I ran it and brought him the
remaining balance of 12.35. Walking back to the table I noticed him
standing with the check presenter in the bar looking around. I said
did you need something?? he said “Id like to talk to a manager about
using my other coupon”. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!! So I talked
to a manager and he said “JUST GIVE THE GUY HIS CHEESECAKE AND GET HIM
OUTTA HERE”. Hey manager thanks for backing up your staff against
doosh bags like this cock sucker that realized when the bill came his
50 gift card wasnt gonna cover it. After all this bullshit his
remaining balance was 5.35. What did he leave me after I got him
allllllll this free shit? He left me 6 bucks, a whole .65 cent tip.
And people wonder why servers fuck with food, drop your silver wear on
the ground then give it to you, never wash our hands when coming from
taking a pee, spit in food, dont go out of our way for people etc,
because of this EXACT incident. Id love to go to this mother fuckers
work and pitch a fit and get free stuff, but do I do that?? NO I don’t
because as much as we hate it AMERICA, things cost money!!! If your
out there, man who sat at my table, you better pray I never run into
you outside of my job.You’ll have 3 new assholes….CHEAP BITCH!!!!!

- Sloanster

I work in a very casual restaurant, customers seat themselves until
our hostess comes in at dinnertime. I got a single lady and went to
take her a menu and silverware. As I laid the menu down, she says, “Oh
I don’t need that, I’m not eating.” (then why are you in a
restaurant?) She proceeds to order: “I’ll have a cup of tea, hot. And
a bagel with cream cheese, toasted.” (so what were you going to do
with said bagel if not eat it?) My reply is something like “Breakfast
is over, ummm, we don’t have…” (it was 3pm. we stop breakfast at
11am. we have never served breakfast all day.) “So I can’t have a
bagel????!!!” “No…ummm… do you want to think about it? Do you
still want the tea??” I really didn’t know what to say. Once in awhile
I get some eccentric lady in the middle of the afternoon wanting
pancakes or an english muffin or something. Guess if you want to eat
on your own schedule, make it at home. Or in our case, there’s a
grocery store next door.

- Karen

It is 2 days before Christmas and the restaurant is very busy. I am serving a table of 4 who are very picky, but nice. You know the type. They need something stupid every 2 minutes, but they are super polite about it. “Excuse me, can I have a teaspoon? I can’t stir my coffee with this spoon, it is too big.” “No problem, be right back with that.” “Excuse me, can I have a paper napkin.” “Of Course.” “Excuse me, this salad has too much dressing, can I get another one?” “I am going to kill you.” You get the idea. So, after it was all said and done it came time to pay the check, 50 dollars. I drop it off and watch as dollars and cents are carefully counted out. Finally they are finished and I go over to take the bill. “Thank you so much for the great service! Please keep the change, we left a little extra for you too, merry Christmas!” I go back to the computer station, eager to see how much they left me. I open up the check book and WOW! 4 dollars on 50! Merry Christmas you cheap bastards!

- Mike

I was waiting on a table outside one fine summer night, very pleasant
couple, no problems. After they left, I went out to bus their table.
As I am doing this, I am chatting with another couple seated at the
next table. So, I was a bit surprised when I ran across a used tooth
flosser…ya know, the ones on a stick, with the little piece of floss
thru the top. Things like that gross me out, and I kinda freaked out.
I kinda hovered for a second uncertainly, than grabbed it and threw it
out to the sidewalk (like I said, it freaked me. gross.).
Unfortunately, there was a couple I hadn’t seen, that walked by on the
sidewalk at that exact second. It hit the lady square on the side of
her face. She looked down, and said “ew, gross!” . I laughed
nervously, and apologized, adding I was so sorry, can you BELIEVE
someone left it here like that?!! At that, i notice my other table
starting to laugh, and the lady who’d been hit with the flosser
missile, also laughed, but hung her head and looked embarrassed. As
she and her hubby walked off, i realize that it was the SAME couple
that had been sitting there…it was THEIR used tooth flosser!!!! talk
about instant karma…..

- Serenity

‘Twas the night before Christmas, in the front of the house
The only creature still stirring was that sad dying mouse;
The glue trap was placed by the reach-in with care,
In hopes that the rodents would soon be aware;
This server was ready to be home in his bed.
While visions of auto-grat danced in his head.
My apron now off, cleaning my last ketchup cap,
When I hear from the window a soft gentle rap.
I try to ignore all the obnoxious clatter,
But I walk towards the noise to see what’s the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Crack it open so slightly, do nothing rash.
The moon on the breasts of this tired looking ho
Gave me the feeling she wanted some mo’.
When, what to my wondering eye should appear,
This bitch had a coupon for one freebie beer.
With her Lee Press-on Nails and her mascara too thick,
I knew in a moment she must be some trick.
A hooker, a ho, or whatever the name,
“It’s Christmas Eve, bitch. We’re closed, it’s a shame.”
“Please, just a Bud, a Corona or Bass!
I have this free coupon I pulled from my ass!
In six more short days, the coupon’s not valid,
And if not a beer, maybe one small side salad?”

I looked at the lady, saw the need in her eyes,
And wondered how badly she wanted some fries.
“But we’re closed for the night and I’m ready to go”
So I turned off the light and shut the window.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
Scratching and gnawing giving me proof
That this crack whore was desperate and needed a beer
Or maybe she needed some holiday cheer.
She broke through the skylight and came down with a thud.
Her panties were twisted and and covered with mud.
Way too much makeup was covering her face
And her sad bloodshot eyes were scanning the place.
Her eyes- how they crossed! Her hair was so scary!
I pitied the loser who had popped her cherry.
Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And her nose was all white from doing some blow.
The stump of a blunt she held tight in her teeth.
And the stench of her body encircled her head like a wreath;
She had a broad face and a round big fat belly,
And she reached to a table for a packet of jelly.
She slurped it up quickly and looked at the shelf
I picked up a steak knife to protect myself.
The bottles of liquor went straight to her head,
And I knew right away I had nothing to dread;
She spoke not a word, but went straight to the whiskey.
She downed the whole bottle and asked “did you miss me?”
And laying her finger aside of her nose,
She took one deep sniff and reached into her clothes.
In her hand was the coupon for the beer that was free
She said thank you, then burped and gave it to me.
I opened the door and she went out of sight,
Saying “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.”

- The Bitchy Waiter

During a really crazy rush I get sat with a party of 2. They are super nice and polite. Everything is going wrong in the restaurant. Tickets are not printing, things are getting mixed up, computers are down, no busser, it is a nightmare. Anyway, this nice couple patiently waits for there dinner, 2 lasagnas, and I see one of the other staff members running it out as I am getting slammed with more and more tables. I go over to the table a minute or two after the food is dropped to make sure everything is ok. I look down and see that there is only one lasagna on the table. I turn to the husband and ask if there was something wrong with his plate. “I never got it, the girl who brought the food gave it to that table right next to us.” I turn around and watch as his lasagna is being ravaged by an apparently very hungry lady. Great. I apologize and tell him that I will get a plate out to him ASAP. My lovely hostess brings him another plate. He asks for a side of Tabasco which she also grabs for him. I watch from afar as I am running around like a chicken with no head. I approach the table again to see how everything is tasting. I look down in horror at the man’s lasagna to see it covered with an obscene amount of Tabasco sauce. Oh no. “What happened?” The man shakes his head and says, “I went to put a few dashes of sauce on my food but apparently there is no topper, it dumped half the bottle onto my meal.” This is going to be a long night.

- J

One day when I was serving I got sat with a grumpy old guy who was by himself. I see him sit down and start reading the paper. I approach the table and say, “Hello sir! How are you doing today?” He keeps looking at the paper and says, “Merlot, lasagna, minestrone, and some bread,” never even bothering to look at me. How polite. Needless to say I took my sweet time on getting him anything and not surprisingly he tipped me like shit. The only solace I could take was knowing that I was getting that dollar tip no matter what, so why go above and beyond with service? I could have done a back flip with a full tray and pulled his lasagna out of a hat and he wouldn’t have even noticed. Thanks for the tip!

- J

During a rush I am sat with a party of three older folks (surprising I know). They are all very nice and I take their drink order. I come back to the table to find them in the middle of a discussion. “Lets ask him,” I hear the old gentleman say as I am approaching. “Ask me what?” The man gets a smirk on his face and says, “Well we were just talking about virgin olive oil and wondering how you can defile an olive so that it isn’t a virgin.” Everybody at the table is chuckling, waiting to see my reaction. I start laughing as well and say, “Well I don’t know off the top of my head, but I do have one idea. It would only take me about 5 minutes, but I don’t want to ruin your appetite with the details.” The entire table erupts with laughter and I walk away victorious. Dirty? Yes. Inappropriate? Definitely. Get a fat tip out of it? You know it!

- Drew

Sorry about this being so long, but you gotta hear the whole story! I
worked for a well known fast food chain that served fried chicken when
I first turned 16 for about 2 years. After about 6 mo I had earned my
way up to assistant manager of the night shift.

One Sunday night(very busy night for chicken) I had a man walk in as I
had just sold my last 8 pc of chicken and had a cook put some more
down. Now let me express that chicken at this store not only takes 13
min after put into the fryer but also has at least a 5 min prep
time(cleaning, battering, etc)! Of course, this man orders chicken. I
politely tell him, ” Sir, we just sold our last of chicken and have
some more cooking it will be about 10 min before it is ready, would
you like a free drink while you wait?”

The man gets furious. Yells and screams at me about another
restaraunt(from the same chain) about 20 min down the road. “Anytime I
go to that store, they always have F**ing chicken! I never have to
wait on chicken there! They serve it to me right once I order it!
Their chicken is always hot and ready right once I F***ing walk in!”
On, and On, and On!

I go through over a 10 min long conversation with this sailor mouthed
man, being as polite as I can be as he verbally abuses me and my cooks
and the rest of my customers who are waiting to order or waiting for
their food. My temper which is usually very well controlled just got
pushed to the limit!

I finally got tired of this man and told him, “Well, if you know you
can go to that store and get chicken right once you walk in, then why
dont you just go there from now on for your chicken needs instead of
verbally abusing me and my employees?” Trying to be somewhat
professional but still getting my angered point across.

Just as I said that the cook walked around the corner and put the
fresh chicken out. The man had the most evil smirk come across his
face at this point. I just wanted to slap it right off!

My drive through girl got together his order and gave it to him as I
walked in the back to cool off for a min.

To top it off, the next night I was working drive through. This sweet
woman came through and ordered a small order which was taken out
fairly quickly. As I was giving her the last peices of her order she
looked at me apparently seeing the assistant manager on my name tag
and said, “Ummm, my father came here last night for chicken and one of
your cashiers was very rude to him, and told him to go to the other
store if he wanted chicken!”

This brought up all the flames from the previous night, so I looked at
her and said, “No, it wasnt one of my cashiers, it was me. Next time
he comes in here maybe he should think about how he talks to people
before he acts the way he does. He was very rude to me and I could
only take so much.”

She got a little mad and pulled off. Not even 5 min later, I was
called into the office by my DM. He asked me about the whole story,
and I told him the truth about everything. Slap on the hand!

“Just next time, Dont tell another customer to go to another store!”

- Heather