The other day I had a lady order my restaurant’s Pasta Fajule soup. Keep in mind, it is called PASTA Fajule. So this lady says that it sounds so good and that she can’t wait to try it. I drop off the soup and go and start another table. As I walk by this lady flags me down and says, “There is to much pasta in this soup!” All I could do was smile and say, “Well, it is called Pasta Fajule.”

- Matt

For some reason I have become a magnet for older people trying to sell me on pyramid scams. I was serving a table of two seniors during a big rush. They were very nice and everything was going well. As I was bringing their dessert and trying to take care of all my other tables, the old lady starts talking to me about “owning my own business”. She starts telling me about this great juice product and how you can make so much money etc etc. I try to be polite and get away but she just kept on talking. Finally she says, “You should talk to my partner. He made about a million dollars last year with this product. We could three way call you, but I need to know the best time for him to call. He is very busy, he has three ways all the time.” Hey that doesn’t sound so bad after all!

- The Magnet

My restaurant is in the middle of a crazy rush. I must have 8 tables, one being a party of 12. Of course, people just keep pouring in through the door expecting fast service. The hostess seats with me a party of 2 right next to my big party. The big party gets ice cream included in their meal, my favorite. As I am taking the order for the ice cream, I stop by the new table and tell the man and woman that I will be with them in a second, and that the hostess will get their drinks started for them. As I am passing out all of these ice creams, running my ass off, I watch as the hostess gets their drinks (2 waters) and gives them some bread to munch on. I return to their table no more than 5 minutes since they have been seated and ask how they are doing. “Hungry.” says the woman in a sarcastic and bitchy tone. Great they are pissed. I get their order put in, (the lady only orders a salad, she must be starving) and the guy gets chicken or something. I check back with them but they haven’t touched their waters or bread and say that they don’t need anything. Keep in mind that they have a front row seat to watch me scurry around the restaurant with all my other tables. Their food is ready really quick and I drop it off and ask if there is anything else I can get for them. They do not respond and just look at me like I am an asshole so I leave. By the end of their meal they still have not touched their drinks and they do not need boxes. I drop the check and then watch as the man goes over to talk to my manager. I couldn’t believe it. He actually complained that the hostess (who got them everything they needed right away while they were waiting) was very rude to them and that I was “the most inattentive waiter he had ever seen”. Then he stiffed me. Haha! What the hell do you want me to do when you don’t drink your water or touch your fucking bread??? That was the best service you ever got in your life dick!

- Mr. Inattentive

The other day, a female couple came into the restaurant, clearly
“together”, and took a seat outside. One lady ordered a diet coke, the
other a water. I promptly brought out there drinks, and took the
order, started the app, and was on my way. A few minutes later, as I
walked by their table,( hands full of food for the next table over )
the diet coke lady flags me down and asks me if I gave her diet coke,
bc it tastes “funny”. I sigh inwardly, knowing our diet coke does, for
some reason, have a different taste to it, that is more noticeable to
some than others. I tell her ok, continue to the table that i have the
food for, then return to them and offer to get her something else.
After telling her that it is indeed diet, and that the only remedy is
a different drink, she looks annoyed but decides to stick with what
she has. Ok. A minute later I drop off their app, and she begins to
complain again about the drink, and her gf gets in on the action,
telling me ” I don’t know with this is, but it’s not diet coke”, they
also claim they found a hair in it, and look at me accusingly ( I have
very long hair, but it is back and secure at work, and I am extremely
careful about it). She then says she wants another drink, but she
still wants diet coke. Aha, conspiracy theory, I am obv lying about it
being diet, so bring me the same thing so I can prove it. Whatever. I
am busy, and one of the doors is stuck, so I ma having to take the
long way around each time I go outside, so I ask the bartender to drop
it off for me. BTW, neither of us were able to locate a hair in the
glass anywhere AND she had drank practically the whole soda. I pass by
the table again, and now they want a manager. wtf? that’s me, but
awkward bc I can tell they’re upset with me, it’s as tho they think I
am intentionally bringing them a tainted drink. Lame. I tell them I am
the supervisor, and they tell me they are leaving, don’t want their
entrees, bc they are so grossed out by the hair in the soda (which
must be why they ordered another and ate the entire app AFTER the
supposed incident) AND reiterate that it was NOT a diet coke. I
apologize, but stick to my guns and tell them I am aware our diet has
a diff taste bc it’s on the gun. But no, she repeats it’s NOT diet and
they’ll pay for the app but that’s it. Of course, I tell them no,
we’ll cover it, so they leave. I am just baffled by this, I mean, I
can understand the taste thing…it’s not the first time someone has
sent back a diet for that reason. And if there truly was a hair, I can
understand that, too…although using that as an excuse AFTER seeing
it and continuing to eat the app doesn’t fly with me. What I don’t
understand is throwing a big fuss over a soda that can be replaced
with something else, and basically accusing my bartender and I of
intentionally giving them an off drink. What could we possibly have to
gain? It’s not as tho making a guest angry is beneficial to either of
us! My bartender had her own theory…she swears the younger of the 2
was checking us both out, and the other got jealous. True? I dunno.
What I do know is that was a weird situation that those ladies blew
waaayyyy out of proportion. It’s a soda, not the end of the world!

- Serenity

I am sat with a party of four and after asking them what they would like to drink (which took awhile) I returned to get their dinner order. As the table is giving me orders, one of the men at the table turns to his wife and says, “Are you going to get the fish?” The lady turns to me and says, “No. I am going to have something lite. I will have the Fettucini Alfredo and the Sausage and Lentil soup.”

- Jenny Craig

The restaurant that I work at has this really obnoxious older man that comes in with his wife almost every day. She is really nice and he is completely out of control. Every time they sit down he makes his way to the bar and “discreetly” drinks wine. He gets a separate check and everything. He then wonders back to his poor wife as if nothing has happened, hootin and hollerin at everybody that passes by. One night I was blessed with the lovely gentleman (for about the 3rd time in a row). He was relatively well behaved (only one secret glass of wine) and orders his meal without a fuss. The salad course is uneventful and it is now time for the main course. As I approach the table with their plates I discover that he is on the phone, and sounding extremely polite. “Yes this message is for John. Hey John its Bill and Betty from church and I just wanted to say thank you so much and if you could please give us a call when you get a chance that would be great and god bless and BLAH BLAH BLAH!” CLICK. Yes, he actually said BLAH BLAH BLAH and hung up, right in the middle of his really nice message. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I set down his plate and ask him if he would like any cheese grated on top. “I don’t want any of that crap!” he yells. “Right. Enjoy your meal.” “Oh thanks so much bro, we really appreciate the great service. You take such good care of us man”.  The guy is ridiculous.

- B

Ok so I work at an italian resturant and for our dinner crowd, we
don’t sell a lot of coffee, we sell more wine and margaritas and such.
Well I had my first decaf drinker of the shift so of course I had to
make a new pot of coffee since we don’t premake the decaf. ( we would
end up throwing the whole thing out normally) Well everything’s fine I
get her the coffee. At the end of the meal she asks for another cup of
coffee. Problem number 1: Since I’m a new server to the company I’m
only allowed a 3 table section…and one of my tables is going to sit
there for an hour after they pay and just talk… Thanks ladies…
Problem 2: I walk back up to the table and ask if everything’s ok. The
lady tells me that her coffee is way too strong… Um, lady its the
same coffee you just had 20 minutes ago… I just went back to the
station poured her a new cup of the exact same coffee, put a bit of
hot water in it and gave it back to her. Apparently she was satisfied
and I ended up with an 18% tip. All in an night’s work…

- Bri

I own a restaurant. I believe it would be considered a dive. Not fancy, small, lots of regulars, and I wait tables. We are located in a small town that is perceived by most to be full of rich people. Consequently, we have to deal with the occassional pre-madonna.

We had a famous chef come in one day. I was so excited that while on a delivery, I was telling my customer all about it. One of his customers overheard and a little while later, she and her (much younger) husband were at my shop.

They ordered and then told me all about how she had so much money and a mansion that she lost in a storm. Now she and her new husband were struggling to deal with living in a 4 bedroom townhome near the beach. She was slightly dramatic but that made her story very colorful. I listened and felt bad for what they had been through. I have family that lost almost everything in the same storm.

They were paying their bill and she was complimenting our food and our conversation. I was thanking them for their visit and she said, “Well, when I get back to the hotel, I’m going to let them know that we went slumming and found that you are a gem!”

LOL I thanked her for her kindness and remain completely amused that someone would think that “going slumming” can be made a compliment. LOL

- Monica

I have been in the service industry for six years and I have had some
very nasty tables. But this one really sticks out in my head. I was
working a morning shift and just after the lunch rush I get a two-top
of middle-aged ladies. I walk over to greet them and before I can
properly introduce myself, one of the ladies yells out, “Please, I am
dying of thirst can you run and grab me a water?” The other lady
quickly spits out she wants an ice tea. I grab their drinks and am
setting them down in front of them not 15 seconds later. The lady who
orders the water then says, “Oh thank you, you are a life savior. I
love you…. I bet your mom never told you that.” I was dumbfounded
and with a very hard edge in my voice (mom is deceased) said, “EXCUSE
ME?!” She didn’t look back at me and started a conversation with her
friend. I left the table and had a co-worker take it. I went out back
to smoke to stop myself from losing it.

- Joe

Now I have been in the food industry for six years. I feel as if I
could write a small novel on horrible tables. And I can proudly say
that I have never spit or messed with any customers food. Not saying
that the temptation has never arose. This one was particularly hard
not to mess with. I was serving a table of twelve in a secluded area
of the restaurant, nine adults and three kids. I walked over to greet
them and get their drink order thinking its not so bad, the kids are
all sitting down and being quite, maybe this will go smoothly. I got
all of their drinks and came back with a sense of comfort and ease
considering the kids haven’t said anything. I ask the table if they
would like any appetizers. The ring-leader was one of the parents and
asked if we had mozzarella sticks. I apologized and said that we don’t
carry them anymore. She turns to her child and apologizes, the kid
just loses it. Screaming, laying on the floor and kicking, the whole
nine yards. The mom lets the kid just lay there and wail. Even though
we were in a secluded part of the restaurant, the whole place could
hear it. Eventually the kid calms down and goes back to his chair. I
put all the orders in, check a few other tables and go back to see if
they need any refills. The kids chair happens to be at the head of the
table where I stand next to so everyone can see me. Before I can ask
about refills, the kid stands up, and at the top of his voice screams
in my ear demanding his mozzarella sticks. The mom doesn’t do a thing.
After 2 minutes of trying to get away from the kid, who follows me
around the table still screaming as I try to ascertain who needs
refills, I walk up to the mom and say with a very cheesy smile, “If
you do not control your child you will be told to leave.” (Perks of
being a head server is not having to deal with going through the chain
of command for permission to do this.)
The mother apologizes and sets her kid straight in ten seconds. She
apologized again and said she would compensate me for the trouble.
Everything else went smoothly for there on out. They receive the
check, leave cash on the table and head out. Check, 170 bucks.
Tip…20.

- Joe