I work in a Chinese restaurant. I love my co-workers, but hardly any of
them speak English very well. Most servers don’t last long there
because if you don’t get down what my arch nemesis co-worker (who’s
worked there 20+ yrs) calls “pigeon talk”, you can’t communicate with
the cooks, manager, or other staff. I, however, grew up in a
non-English-speaking-household, so I KNOW “pigeon talk”… cut all
your statements down to the bare minimum of words, speak slowly, use
the present tense for everything you say, and watch their face to see
if you’re actually being understood. Easy breezy.

So one night I get seated a table of 6 college students, two of which
are Asian but speak impeccable English… obviously Americans of Asian
descent. The table is going fine, they order, eat, etc. I go to clear
their plates and as usual politely approach each customer and ask “Are
you finished with that?” before I take their plate away.

I get to the first Asian young man. “You finish?” I ask, looking him
right in the eye. “You no eat?” I continue, pointing my finger at his
plate. Ooops…

Fuck me, I’m an asshole.

- At Your Service

It was a crazy, busy night. One of the 8 tops on the list had two
obnoxious little brats with them. One was about ten years old…he was
sitting at the host stand and kept asking anyone and everyone in view
any question that popped into his mind. The last straw for me was ”
Hey, what’s that?” I said, “Those are hushpuppies.” (This is about ten
questions in..all while I have four 7/8 tops all at 7pm, plus walk in
big tops asking me every 5 minutes when their table would be ready.
SORRY we had a 15 top at opening!!)
He asked if they were made out of real puppies…I paused for a
moment…then said YES. I know…. He said “That’s so mean, we have a
dog at home, I won’t eat those!”

I felt a slight pang of guilt, but I was TOO damn BUSY to placate him
anymore.

One of the worst busy nights I have ever had but I still laugh when I
think about that!!

- CB

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So I’m a teacher by trade, but had many a waitressing job before and
even during my teaching career. My husbands business moved us from a
bustling city to a small rural town, and thus I had to find a new job.
Unfortunately in this economy it is even harder to find a decent job
in small towns than it is in the city. So I went on the mad job hunt
and only got an interview at ONE place, a small religious non-profit
school. I was accepted but the pay they were offering was PITIFUL. So
I decided to risk my hand for a bigger offer by playing the bluffing
game. I, the city girl, told the woman who interviewed and offered me
the job that I had also been offered a position for more money at
another school in the area, in hopes that she would counter-offer a
larger salary. My mistake. She wished me the best of luck at the other
school and bid me farewell. Fuck!

2 weeks later I finally find a job waiting tables. Literally my third
day on the job, who walks in and gets seated in my section but Mrs.
Religious-Non-Profit herself and her family. I panic. Making up
something clever like “This is my after-school job” completely slips
my mind.

She recognizes me of course and says something innocently nasty like
“So this is the job you got?”. I turned red, laughed, and bustled away
without even asking what they wanted to drink. They got water. No one
complained.

And of course, as if the universe desires to see me squirm, she and
her family come in once a week and almost always end up in my section.
I have to scramble around and beg any other waiter to take the table.
It’s not too difficult because they are actually really good tippers.

Needless to say, I’ve learned a thing or two about living in the
country now…
- At Your Service

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I walk up to a table today and see a middle-aged woman (around 40) hanging on a guy who looks barely 25. I tell them the specials and ask them what they would like to drink. The lady replies, “Margarita” and the guy asks for a beer. Now I am stuck in a very awkward situation here, I obviously didn’t ask for her ID because she is old enough to be my mother and now I have to ask for this guy’s ID because he looks way younger than 30 and I like my job. So I nonchalantly ask for his ID and just when I think I am in the clear Cougar pipes up and says, “Hey, why didn’t you ask for my ID!!?”  I give an awkward chuckle and smile while I check the dates on his ID and notice Lover-boy is only 23. She again says, “Hey, why didn’t you check mine, do I look too old or something??” Now I’m irritated…I’ve had it with this desperate cougar giving me a hard time for doing my job, she could have just let me check his ID, not said anything and saved us both an awkward moment, but since she wants to draw attention to the obvious I decide to get even. I turn toward her and smile my most sugary, innocent server smile and say, ” Of course not Ma’am, you look gorgeous, I just wanted to make sure your son was of age! I’ll  be right back with your cocktails!” I turned on my heel and immediately scurried away from the table before the Cougar could say anything. The rest of the meal she barely looked at me and I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t get a tip, but man it was worth it to see the look on her face!

-Ginny

Has anyone ever had a table of desperate 20-something women on girls night out…I have. All night they drink fruity concoctions from the bar, “this is too strong, this isn’t strong enough”…blah blah blah, they talk crap about all the men who have screwed them over and then at the end of the meal ask you…”Can you take our picture???” You being the ever-pleasing server say, “Of course ladies!!” All of a sudden your hands are full of 15 cameras, they all need a picture of course. Seriously, I’m not a photographer, I’m at work, it’s called email ladies…use it!

-Kristen

So I walk in to work feeling great. I rode my motorcycle to work early
in the morning, dropped off my work clothes and took off for a 5 hr
ride before work to have some fun. I ride in with a huge smile on my
face after tearing up one of my favorite roads. I change, clock in,
and get set-up started. I got half way done when I got my first table
and went to greet them. Redneck husband and wife…perfect. Everything
went surprisingly smooth until I took their food out.

Me:”Can I get you guys anything else?”

Wife:”Naw I’m ok.”

Husband:”You can hold the camera while we fuck!”

Me:”Enjoy your meal guys.”
(as I walk away)

Really?!

- Joe

Ok so I always have people ask me about the “numbers” next to the menu
items. It sometimes becomes tiresome to keep saying “That is the price
sir” but I do it. The other day I actually had one particular idiot
ask me ” Well 14 what?” I wanted to say “14 Yen sir we expect that you
can do the conversion on your own.” Idiot, Just a tip folks chances
are the menu will be priced according to the country you are dining
in.
- Tom

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It was a pretty busy night and I had just pre-bussed one of my tables. I went into the kitchen to give the plates to the dishwasher, but he was not behind the sink. Where was he? He was standing right next to the door, shaking a big container of cayenne pepper into some soup. As I passed him I was hit with a big cloud of pepper right in my face! It absorbed nicely into my eyes and hurt so f***ing bad!! I was crying for like ten minutes and was subsequently behind on my tables for the rest of the night. Thanks jackass!!! What are you waiting for?

- Sarah

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I waited on a group of 6 adults and 9 kids. The restaurant was
extremely busy and we had to seat the group in the “event” room. This
requires me to give up my floor tables until the room is taken care
of. I come to one young man of about 9. He asked me if there is egg in
the batter on the chicken tenders, being busy I answered that I didn’t
know but I would imagine there was. He was like can you check I’m
allergic to eggs. So I reluctantly go check with the kitchen. Our head
cook is also the owner and he can be very gruff, and I am slightly
intimidated by him. I stick my head in the door and ask the question.
He looks at me like I’m crazy says he doesn’t know but he thinks there
is. So I go back and tell the kid, he looks so disappointed. But I’m
wanting to get this group taken care of so I can get back on the floor
and make some money. So I’m getting ready to try and talk the kid into
something else when his mother comes over and tells me she would like
the cook to check the ingredients on the box to see if eggs are used.
She must have seen the panic in my eyes and followed me to the kitchen
door. The boss stopped what he was doing got the box from the freezer
and checked the ingredients in front of the mother. It had eggs as we
thought. She then tells me that she use to just accept the answer we
don’t know but we think, of being brushed off because the rest. was
busy. But after seeing your child being disappointed over and over and
realizing that sometimes the help is wrong she demands they check.
Something about this Mothers determination for her son impressed me. I
hugged her and told her as much. she remains one of the best mothers
ever in my eyes. Plus the group made the time worth my while by
tipping about 25.00. Not bad.
- Bullwinkle

One night I was serving a very nice and easy going middle-aged couple. They ordered some wine, an appetizer, and two entrees. The lady was very nice and I barely had to get them so much as a refill on their waters….love it. I bring out their entrees and go by the soda fountain to talk to the other servers. It is really slow so we are all just hanging around.  I glance over at my table and see the lady wave me over. What could possibly be wrong? “Hi, everything tasting ok?” The lady smiles and says, “yes, everything is tasting fine…but there is a big hair in my food,” which she then proceeds to pull out and show me. It was a huge long black hair, definitely from the hostess since she is the only one with hair exactly like that. “Oh my gosh I am so sorry! Let me get you a new plate, it wont take long!” “No, no, its fine. I don’t mind.” Wow. “Please miss, let me get you another plate! You shouldn’t have to eat food with a hair in it.” “Nope, it is fine. It wont kill me.” “Miss you are one of the coolest tables I have ever had. At least let me give you some free dessert, I insist.” “Ok, you have twisted my arm.” After her meal I gave her a big piece of chocolate cake and she gave me a big tip! I still wish she would have let me get her a new plate though….gross.

- Fabio